Where did You go?

While Dia does love her jazz music for road trips, there are many times that nothing works. She is simply miserable in her car seat. It breaks my heart and often tempts me to break any and every speed limit to get home that much faster!

Yesterday I took extra time to feed her and change her in the car before we left to ensure that she would be comfortable for our fifteen minute ride home. I turned on the jazz, started the car and got about ten feet before she started fussing. As time went on, her fussing turned into fists of fury that stuck daggers in my mommy's heart. Her cries were getting so intense it made me wonder if her skin was pinched or there was some form of physical harm befalling her in the backseat where I couldn't reach her. We have a giant panda mirror that attaches to the backseat and reflects her face back to me in the rear view mirror so not only am I hearing the cries for help, but I am visibly witnessing her distress. I looked and looked yesterday and even reached my hand back to feel around and make sure she wasn't in any physical harm.

By the time we pulled into the garage, I just threw my keys over to the other seat and ran to my baby. The minute I sat in the next to her (before I could even unbuckle her), she completely calmed down. It was instantaneous. As my mom says, "She's like any baby. She just wants to see her mommy's face and be held."

And all I can think is how similar I am in my relationship with the Lord. Sure, sure I can hear Him. "Don't worry, child. I am here. I have shown you that I am by your side. Why do you cry?" But I don't care. I cry and cry all the more. I scream. My face bunches up and turns red. I feel terror and uncertainty. And there's His voice again, "Stephanie! What is wrong my love? I am right here. You can't see Me, but I can see you. And you are just fine. You are perfectly safe. In fact, you must stay in the position you are in for your own good. I know it doesn't make sense that I have put you here, but I have. Trust Me. I am not doing this to hurt you but to bless you. It's almost over and soon you will be in My arms."

I can rarely get upset at Dia--she's just a baby. But the Bible asks me to get past the milk stage. To grow up, to mature and trust Him. Boy, watching my little Dia just shows me time and time again how baby-like I still am with my Father. I could feel sorry for my sad state, but instead I am so grateful to my Father to even use my own child to show me my immaturity.

I remember saying to my sister-in-law Sheena the other day, "If God loves us even a tenth of how much I love Dia (and we all know He loves us a million times more), then we have nothing to worry about." I am realizing how much I focus my relationship with the Lord on me and not Him. I dwell and cry over my sin (not that this is necessarily wrong) and worry and worry over how I did this or didn't do that. And then I look at Dia. Could she ever make a mistake that would break my love for her? Of course not! She doesn't really make mistakes yet, but imagining her doing unwise things only makes me sad for her--not me. I guess what I am trying to say, is that for me, my relationship with the Lord could use a lot more resting and trusting in Him and a lot less crying and fussing over me.

Thank You, Lord, for love. For the little glimpses we get of Yours in big ways. Thank you, again, for Dia.