Hate is such a strong word

There aren't many things I hate. But as an extremist, I tend to find myself in either passionate love or hate with most issues. And as I grow older, I find that I hate being a Christian.

Sure, Christianity gets a bad wrap (which probably has something to do with how Christians behave). And Christianity as a belief-system/religion means different things to different people. But that has nothing to do with my personal sentiment.

My personal sentiment comes from God's relentless intention to teach me empathy.

Quick vocab lesson: "sympathy" means to feel with someone else. It's a kind, goodhearted way to have compassion. "Empathy," however, means that you've been there. You feel for them because you know the feeling yourself.

I always sympathized with people in my life. It was the "Christian" thing to do.

But now I am experiencing something new: empathy.

Maybe it's just because I am getting older and experiencing more. But whatever the reason, it is a hard road to toll.

It all started when a close friend suffered a miscarriage. My heart broke for her (sympathy at its best). I did something dangerous, though, out of this sympathy; I asked God to help me understand what she was really going through.

Not more than a year later, I lost my own unborn baby. Same length of pregnancy, similar signs. I am not saying that God caused my miscarriage just to answer my prayer. I am just relaying the info. You can make your own judgment.

But then, I befriended a girl I had known for years but had never been close to. As she opened up, I learned that her husband had been struggling with fidelity. He wasn't out and out cheating on her, but he may as well have been. It destroyed her.

And the sympathy bug bit me again.

I can't recall any direct, specific requests of God with this one but in a matter of months, I found myself in the exact same situation with my husband. I discovered an "emotional affair" between him and a close friend of mine. Destroyed still describes my situation.

And in those two short experiences, I have decided that I hate being a Christian. I am tired of empathizing. After just two brief (though fully painful, let me assure you) experiences, I want out. I want it to stop. I want to cry, "Abba, Abba, why have you forsaken me?"

Christianity is all about being Jesus. And Jesus is all about feeling where WE'VE been. So the closer I get to Him, the more I have to feel. The more I have to suffer. Not in a victimizing way. In a broken, strength under control kind of way.

And it's official. I hate it.