A Day in the Life

Is it weird that I actually always dreamed my days would be like this?

I am the kind of girl who stays in the lines, always listens to the teacher and when advice is offered, I usually take. I remember when I was still pretty young (6th grade?), they came out and said that too much salt and butter is bad for you. I then and there made a conscious decision to avoid salt and butter (you know, because my eleven year old arteries couldn't take much more....lol). And it stuck. I began to change my tastebuds and within no time, I began to prefer my bread dry and my meals seasoned with pepper and lemon instead of salt. I was a determined little booger and have always been committed to doing what I believe is best.

So when I was growing up and began to hear older moms advise younger ones to savor the moments and put work last, kids first, I stored that in my heart. And now I am getting the chance to embrace it. And let me tell you, it is wise to do so. Oh so wise.

Maybe part of it is due to my generous husband whose only expectation he has placed on me in the last few weeks is to hold and nurse our baby. He brings me a freedom I don't think I can describe....

I, however, somehow managed to put pressure on myself. I gave myself a week after Dia was born to rest and soak her in and then felt tremendous pressure to keep the house spotless and dinner delicious. I didn't actually DO any of those things, mind you, I just felt the pressure. But day after day, when Rory would come home to a messy messy messy house and the only thing cooking was my idea for dinner, he wasn't bothered in the least. This surprised me and I doubted it would last.

But alas, turns out he has been listening to the sages of old as well and we are both committed to simply enjoying her. Just being with her. Watching her. Listening to her. Learning her. And amazingly, in a matter of no time, she is already sleeping in the mei tei wrap to which I have found myself with plenty of time to cook and clean. In fact, dinner's been on the table just about every night the last week or two. And while the floors could still use a good vacuuming, the house has not given itself over to dust and bugs. It's actually pretty clean.

She's growing up already. I know it sounds trite and probably a little obsessive, but it's true. I look at my parents and their children have left adults in their places leaving my parents free of just about any daily responsibility. That happened fast! I was there for the whole thing, trust me, I know. I remember reading a poem, I'm sure you've all read it, about how we will not remember if the kitchen was clean and laundry done, but the time and love we invest. And in my own way, I am getting to live that out. And I love it. I don't have too much company, lol, but I love it.

I believe it is about balance in so many ways--but not balancing clean time with family time. I am looking at the bigger picture--balancing these little one's young years with our old years. Looking at life as more than just today, more than just this week. I keep hearing it--don't blink, it will all be over so soon. I really believe that. So for today, I'll probably fold laundry (her diapers are sitting in a pile on the table) and I will most likely throw together a quick (but healthy) dinner...potatoes and a big green salad? But I would be evil to boast of tomorrow...so my only real goal is to hold her...and nurse her....and enjoy her. She's only 5 weeks and 4 days once, you know. ;)

Mommy to a 5-week Old

Isn't there a song about catching time in a bottle? I am pretty sure it's a song from the 70's, so I had always dismissed it as some weird concept that mystified potheads. Turns out, I was wrong--dead wrong. Time has never gone faster or been as sweet as these past five weeks watching Dia grow. That's right--five weeks. Our girl is five weeks today and I just have to stop and document.

First of all, I am writing this while standing at our kitchen bar. Our little D is safely cocooned in her beautiful mei tei wrap, softly and steadily breathing as she sleeps against my chest. I don't want to sit down because I know how comfortable she is! So I am counting this towards a workout and remaining upright, rocking back and forth as I type.

Outings
The first two weeks of fortressing up in home was amazing. That was probably the closest to bottling time as it gets. Rory was home for a solid week and guests would come visit us usually where we were holed up in bed as a family. It was a time like no other that I will treasure forever. But after about two weeks, I was ready to visit the outside world. We hit up Whole Foods (and called and invited the whole family, of course!) for lunch and had a great time. We were just learning to be in the world and yet with our babe and it was an entirely new experience. It was then I learned that I will probably never ever fully hear the words someone else is saying to me again! My ears, from now on out, are always innately tuned to listen first and foremost for my baby. It makes for a lot of, "I am sorry, what was that?" So deepest apologies to friends and family! I do love you. :)

We have since been to Whole Foods a few more times as well as our first attempt at going to church. We arrived a good thirty minutes after service had started (freeway closures and bad timing on our part!) and once we arrived, our crying baby was relieved that we finally paid attention to her as she had been sitting in quite the mess in her car seat! Poor thing! So we then took some time to clean her and her carseat off and comfort her and put her in the mei tei. By the time we got into the service, we heard the pastor thank everyone for coming and bless them on their way out, lol! But we still got to see some friends and hey, we did make it to church! We counted it a huge success and will probably even go again.

The big accomplishment of the last two weeks, however, was Dia and me leaving the house just the two of us! (Well, that and me getting to eat breakfast before 3pm--that happened Monday and it's been our new thing all week! It's actually made me realize how much she is growing now because I can just sit her in the bouncy and she will look around while I prepare my food and brush my teeth--at the kitchen sink, of course!) We were both pretty excited to be picking Grandma up and heading for the Farmer's Market. I didn't even have my regular produce list--I was mostly going just to go and see how it went. Well, it was one of the best days ever!

First of all, Grandmas are the best people on earth. They innately "get" what my mama mind is already focused on and their sole purpose is to help! Lord bless my mother because she has empowered me and blessed us so much. Being able to be late and then stop myriad times to feed and change her is an amazing feeling. We got some great produce and this was actually when we first found the mei tei wrap that Grandma bought for us. (And as you can tell from this post, we love it! Use it ALL THE TIME!) The other great thing about Grandmas is their unparalleled generosity. She didn't hesitate to pick it up for us (not to mention a pair of earrings for me!) and we are soo grateful! We ended up walking all around Town and Country and finally sat down outside near a violinist and spent a good few hours talking and feeding Dia. It was a glorious day! (Grandma also watched D while I got my eyebrows waxed! It felt good to look like a girl again!) The sad news, however, is that I forgot the camera. I am still learning all the things a mom needs on outings!

We have decided to make the Wednesday market a weekly thing, but Grandma couldn't make it this week. While we were super sad to miss Grandma time, Stephanie, Aravis and Judah were able to go so we had a great time with them! I wore the mei tei, of course, and we enjoyed the cool weather outside and then went for lunch and a stop at Wildflower Diapers. And, we learned that three car seats will in fact fit in the back of a Toyota Corolla! We were one super fun car, let me tell you! Overall, it was a wonderful day.


Last Friday was a special day for us--Dia was one month! We planned a little family dinner at Pita Jungle and while we loved the atmosphere and food, it was a bit much for D. She ended up spending most of the night nursing or at least cuddled against me--which I definitely did not complain about! We all went and sat outside afterward and she fell asleep laying against my chest--her favorite and safest place to be these days.


We also made it a point to hit up a little local pumpkin "patch" downtown. It was 100 degrees, though, so we didn't stay long. It's wonderful to make these little memories with her. We had a great time even with the heat and plan on carving a big D pumpkin for our little one.


Growth and Development
Well, it's a fact. Our girl is a hand talker! Rory and I were just watching her this morning and remembering how we could see her wave her little hand in the ultrasound--the exact thing she still does all the time. She "talked" in her sleep the very first night we had her and she has been super "talkative" ever since. Her cooing has changed so much already though and you can tell that she is responding to us more and more. This morning for instance, she would open her mouth as wide it would go and her whole face would light up while Rory was playing with her. I tried peek-a-boo with her yesterday, but when Rory did it today she totally got it! She even loooked around for him when he would duck his head under the covers. It was amazing--our whole world stopped to watch her enjoy her Daddy! She even did her little coo laugh when he would say her name! She apparently is very fond of the name India!

She is also a very very good eater! I had been a little worried about breastfeeding before I had her, thinking it would turn "my" body into some kind of utilitarian communal trough, lol. It has turned out to be, however, my favorite thing to do in the world. It's beautiful, soft, bonding and amazingly natural. I love being able to soothe her when she's upset and feed her on a whim. It is something special that I will treasure forever.

Oh man, I have so much to write and say. I literally have been in awe for five weeks now--counting every moment with her a true treasure. Hopefully we will get better with the camera and I'll have more pictures and videos to post soon. This little one is amazing and has wonderful things in store. She's growing fast but like a butterfly, it isn't something you'd ever really want to hold captive. So I'll leave the 70's lyrical ideals in history and just enjoy this beautiful transformation as it unfolds before me.

Baby baby baby!

I think I am most surprised by how beautiful I felt. Truly and purely, inwardly and outwardly, beautiful. After 14 hours of labor and 49 minutes of pushing, my hair was disheveled in a messy ponytail, my top was gross and sticky and I had just felt a 9lb baby leave my body, and I was overcome with a sense of power and beauty. I had heard about the sense of empowerment that can accompany birth (especially a natural birth), but the deep sense of true beauty lasted for days and surprised me the most.

I have had the hardest time writing and blogging lately--well, ever since the 3rd trimester actually. When the 3rd trimester hit you would have thought that I would have finally felt "in the clear." After having our miscarriage a year before, though, I could hardly let myself believe that we might actually be this close to this miracle I had been dreaming about for years. And when the 3rd trimester hit, I think I held my breath. I literally stopped breathing and just sat on my couch waiting to see if dreams really do come true.

They do.

I have to say that the idea of a home-birth was not one we made lightly. I had done tons and tons of research, and we felt confident that it was the best, safest option for us. But in the back of my head, I still worried. I worried about the unknown, and I think I would have worried just as much had we opted for any other kind of birth. In my heart, all I wanted was a healthy baby. I was committed to doing anything and everything necessary for her. I remember even during the hardest part of labor when they would check her heartbeat, the world would stop, the labor would pause, "Is she okay?" I had to know.

Our world is still in pause as I nurse her and we watch her grow. She is amazing. India June Starks, our Dia, is miraculous and amazing and adorable. And truly beautiful. I remember when they handed her to me right after she left the birth canal: I was practically in shock--in my arms was my baby! My baby! We had spent the last 9 months talking about her and watching my belly grow and now she was here. Her name is one I picked out as a high school girl and holding her and looking at her was and is like touching a dream.

We are all adjusting now to life with our dreamy babe--the most fun is when she smiles and giggles. Her Opa (Rory's dad) is sure she smiled the first time he saw her, the day she was born. My mom says the same thing. I am not sure about the first day, but within the first week she was looking at us and smiling. Today I started singing, "Chicky chicky boom boom" and she giggled at that. She's adorable.

I remember dressing her in her pink and white striped sleeping gown that first day she was born and feeling somewhat bothered--the clothes took away from her! I liked her in her natural state! It sounds so funny to say, but it's true. I am very much her mommy and I find her most beautiful in her most natural state.

Overall the birth was wonderful. The labor was hard and I very much threw the towel in about an hour before she was born--the very reason I knew a home-birth would be best for us! Had we been anywhere else, that anesthesiologist would have been sticking me with everything he had! But being at home, while hard, enabled me to endure. And the best part is that it all took place in our home. I never had to leave, never had to come home, never saw a stranger the entire time. I remember conciously thinking during the labor, "I am so glad I am at home." We were able to sleep in our own bed (I tore slightly and the doctor even stitched me up right in my bed!), I was able to use my own bathroom, and when the family came (about 2 hours or so after she was born), they all had the comforts of our home. They all cooked and cleaned for us and came to us in the room when they wanted to talk or visit. The next day when the doctor came back to check on us, she came right back to our room to do all the examinations. Afterwards, Dia and I napped and the doctor had lunch with our family in the kitchen! It was all a little "where's the drama?" if you ask me. It was calm and comfortable. And we felt completely safe. And everyday, we all three go to sleep in the same room Dia was born in.

She's just over three weeks now and is already growing and changing so much! We are consciously aware that these are the fleeting moments, these are the most precious times to be alive. We certainly can't stop time (and wouldn't really want to), so we do our best to enjoy each moment. And while I have since recovered from the all encompassing beauty I felt at first, looking at her, holding her, nursing her stirs a sense of meaning and power that I could never have imagined. She is amazing and I am still in awe.