Baby baby baby!

I think I am most surprised by how beautiful I felt. Truly and purely, inwardly and outwardly, beautiful. After 14 hours of labor and 49 minutes of pushing, my hair was disheveled in a messy ponytail, my top was gross and sticky and I had just felt a 9lb baby leave my body, and I was overcome with a sense of power and beauty. I had heard about the sense of empowerment that can accompany birth (especially a natural birth), but the deep sense of true beauty lasted for days and surprised me the most.

I have had the hardest time writing and blogging lately--well, ever since the 3rd trimester actually. When the 3rd trimester hit you would have thought that I would have finally felt "in the clear." After having our miscarriage a year before, though, I could hardly let myself believe that we might actually be this close to this miracle I had been dreaming about for years. And when the 3rd trimester hit, I think I held my breath. I literally stopped breathing and just sat on my couch waiting to see if dreams really do come true.

They do.

I have to say that the idea of a home-birth was not one we made lightly. I had done tons and tons of research, and we felt confident that it was the best, safest option for us. But in the back of my head, I still worried. I worried about the unknown, and I think I would have worried just as much had we opted for any other kind of birth. In my heart, all I wanted was a healthy baby. I was committed to doing anything and everything necessary for her. I remember even during the hardest part of labor when they would check her heartbeat, the world would stop, the labor would pause, "Is she okay?" I had to know.

Our world is still in pause as I nurse her and we watch her grow. She is amazing. India June Starks, our Dia, is miraculous and amazing and adorable. And truly beautiful. I remember when they handed her to me right after she left the birth canal: I was practically in shock--in my arms was my baby! My baby! We had spent the last 9 months talking about her and watching my belly grow and now she was here. Her name is one I picked out as a high school girl and holding her and looking at her was and is like touching a dream.

We are all adjusting now to life with our dreamy babe--the most fun is when she smiles and giggles. Her Opa (Rory's dad) is sure she smiled the first time he saw her, the day she was born. My mom says the same thing. I am not sure about the first day, but within the first week she was looking at us and smiling. Today I started singing, "Chicky chicky boom boom" and she giggled at that. She's adorable.

I remember dressing her in her pink and white striped sleeping gown that first day she was born and feeling somewhat bothered--the clothes took away from her! I liked her in her natural state! It sounds so funny to say, but it's true. I am very much her mommy and I find her most beautiful in her most natural state.

Overall the birth was wonderful. The labor was hard and I very much threw the towel in about an hour before she was born--the very reason I knew a home-birth would be best for us! Had we been anywhere else, that anesthesiologist would have been sticking me with everything he had! But being at home, while hard, enabled me to endure. And the best part is that it all took place in our home. I never had to leave, never had to come home, never saw a stranger the entire time. I remember conciously thinking during the labor, "I am so glad I am at home." We were able to sleep in our own bed (I tore slightly and the doctor even stitched me up right in my bed!), I was able to use my own bathroom, and when the family came (about 2 hours or so after she was born), they all had the comforts of our home. They all cooked and cleaned for us and came to us in the room when they wanted to talk or visit. The next day when the doctor came back to check on us, she came right back to our room to do all the examinations. Afterwards, Dia and I napped and the doctor had lunch with our family in the kitchen! It was all a little "where's the drama?" if you ask me. It was calm and comfortable. And we felt completely safe. And everyday, we all three go to sleep in the same room Dia was born in.

She's just over three weeks now and is already growing and changing so much! We are consciously aware that these are the fleeting moments, these are the most precious times to be alive. We certainly can't stop time (and wouldn't really want to), so we do our best to enjoy each moment. And while I have since recovered from the all encompassing beauty I felt at first, looking at her, holding her, nursing her stirs a sense of meaning and power that I could never have imagined. She is amazing and I am still in awe.