Laying It All Down

My husband and I have had a rough week. I've felt an awful lot like a lunatic at times--losing my mind and my temper fairly regularly. I am surprised, though.

Through all the craziness and frustration, I have a deep, inner urge to love him, to care for him, to be with him, near him. But no matter how deep the urge something even stronger doth protest otherwise. And I simply cannot open myself up to him.

I have shared some deep feelings with him and need him to respond. He is overcome with the pride monster at the moment, though, and can only see himself and his needs.

He has no idea what he's missing out on. If he could only lay down his pride, his way and consider how I feel, I would be on him like white on rice (a favorite saying of his--he is 1/4 Asian after all). My true desire is to be near him. I want to take care of him. I want to be with him. I want to love him and be in love him.

And I wonder if that's how God feels.

I know that when I first heard about the life-altering raw food diet, it literally went against everything I felt was normal. It felt almost wrong and my immediate reaction was opposition. (Note it wasn't my "gut" reaction, rather some internal instinct that immediately brought on deep-rooted antagonism. This may be what the Bible refers to as "flesh." Interesting.)

I fought the raw food agenda with everything I had. I don't know why. I didn't pursue it. I didn't consider it. It was an otherwise totally illogical, misplaced hostility.

But the matter wouldn't fade. Raw food kept pestering me--rather God refused to give up on His plan for me, as corny as that sounds. And so finally when I couldn't ignore it or argue against it, I jumped headfirst into it. You know, one extreme to another.

And I found amazing rewards in laying my animosity down. It has been eight months and I can't believe how my life has improved.

I wonder what else my pride is determined to steal from me?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord.

Isaiah 55:8