It's a holy day

I love Christmas time. Of all of our household decorations, the Christmas ones take up almost half of our garage. We love family time, giving presents and wearing scarfs. But this year, we have celebrated the holy day in another way.

We bought zero presents. We hung zero lights. We went to the mall, um, maybe once. Christmas this year has been for us like it might have been before World War II. You know, before consumerism became spirituality.

To be honest, deep down inside, I had hoped that the government would not bail out the banks. Secretly, I hoped that the economy would fail. Visions of bartering and hard work far from credit and mass-marketing schemes had begun to dance in my head. Alas, my dream did not come true. For everyone else, at least.

A few months back (when smart planners start to forecast Christmas presents), a new video entered my life.

Click here to watch it yourself. (It's about 20 mins in length.)

It is one of those videos that I inadvertently alluded to in my previous post. It's about something that I always knew was inherently evil but could never explain why. It was just a feeling that I think a lot of people have (kind of like how a lot of moms hate tv). I didn't know exactly why, but I knew something was wrong. This video succinctly put into words, with documented research to back up every claim, something that had always made me feel uneasy.

Before the video had even finished, my dearest friends and I had decided to make our own presents this year. But making our presents did more than just keep us out of malls. It gave us time to use our hands, engage our creativity and spend a day together. After showing it to my mom, she too agreed that this year we would not exchange presents.

And we didn't. And it's been wonderful!

I can't tell you how much money we have saved, how much stress I have avoided and how much enjoyment I have received.

I have spent so much time with the people in my life this season. I have had days on end when I babysat for a friend, organized my home office and went out to a late breakfast with my family. I can't explain it, but it really feels like there is something holy about this holiday this year. My husband and I have slept in, cleaned out the garage and watched lots of movies.

I can't escape the imagery I came across in a book I have been trying to get through recently. It's a gorilla (I didn't write this stuff--I just read it!) explaining captivity to a human. A formerly wild primate, this gorilla, known as Ishmael, was captured and displayed in a zoo. And then later rescued and kept in a man's home. He said while he was in the zoo, he didn't know he was in captivity. He couldn't tell much difference between the zoo and the jungle. He didn't even know captivity was a word--so how could he have possibly recognized it? He had seen the bars between him and the lines of people that would come point at him. But he didn't know the bars were to hold him in. This sage gorilla then asks the human what bars hold him in that he might not know about.

I do have visions of a nation where the economy is not controlled by interest rates. Where corporations do not have more rights than the individual. But governments and economies are not the true captors. No, there is no economic plan or government constitution that can truly impact our freedom. Ask the families of martyrs in China who still praise Jesus in silence with huge smiles on their faces. Ask Jesus. He stays surprisingly quiet on government policies and voting. Because He knows that externalities do not take captives. If they did, He would have come down and destroyed them. Instead, He came down and destroyed sin's power over us.

Sin has lost its power! Death its sting! But do we know that? Poor Ishmael is still looking for the bars of captivity. But the only bars are the ones we put up around ourselves!

God sees the captivity and He sent Himself here to us in human form, so we could watch Him live in freedom. So we could watch and study and observe and learn and now we can ask and pray about how to be truly free. That's what makes Christmas day so holy. A little baby, just like us, entered our world to show us freedom. Well, to show us love. And that love is the only love that does truly set us free.

For my husband and I, spending Christmas free from presents and giftwrap has been freeing--in some ways. But it is not freedom in itself. Freedom begins in our minds, in our thoughts. As a man thinks, so he is. So for us, we have experienced some freedom from consumerism. But this freedom will not save. Only He saves. I pray that Ishmael, like the rest of us, learns this sooner than later. May our eyes be fully fixed on Him today and everyday.

It's not what I think it is

Have you ever wondered what you don't know? I have heard that the more you learn, the more you realize you don't know.

I guess I must be VERY smart then, because all I can think about is how much I don't know. That sounds funny. But that's kind of what I mean. There is an irony in "knowing" when you know God. It sounds funny to think we know anything because clearly, we do not. And yet, we do! Have I lost you yet?

In my few short years of life on earth, I have seen too often that there's more to the story, more to the picture. A view of knowledge held only by our Creator and He gives it to us as best we can receive it--that is, in very little particles of knowing. And then every once in a while two little knowledge particles collide and the light goes on, "Euereeka!" We have our "Aha!" moment. We make a connection between two previously isolated facts of knowledge and we learn something, our eyes are opened just a bit more. And it's so exciting to us and yet so small to Him. Please don't read, irrelevant. It's not. We are not irrelevant to God. Every connection and attempt to learn is thrilling to Him. But it is so small compared to Him.

I can't get Rob Bell's view of the time dimension out of my head. And I can't wait to join God and see time as He does--as a wholly contained dimension of life, with a beginning and an end. God has no such beginning and end. He IS the beginning and the end.

And that fact blows my mind! How do you BE the beginning and the end? Do you see how much there is to wonder about? How much we don't know?

And it's not just relegated to the time and space continuum, either. I am constantly being blown away by how little I know of relationships and love and feelings. And since this earth will be destroyed and a new one will be made, I get the feeling that the relationship knowledge is just as important, if not more important than, the science stuff.

The Holy Spirit speaks in groans and utterances. Making Him sound very much like a teenage girl and/or an emotional wife. "Ugh! Umpf. Aaagh!" And it's not childish, either. It's an attempt to put a purely emotional/spiritual experience into physical words. Sometimes, there are no words. But women around the globe can identify the feeling that accompanies the groans. And that's how I feel about the stuff I don't know, but can sense exists. It's how I feel when someone says something and for whatever reason a little cue is piqued deep inside and I know something isn't quite right with their words. I don't know if this is my conscience. It feels more like intuition. And by that, I mean the Holy Spirit. It's the Spirit within telling me there is more (Jeremiah 34:34).

And that's how I feel with life right now. There is more. I can only groan in utterances trying to convey why I know. I can't put it into mere words!

I am a firm believer in a literal translation of Isaiah 55:8. I don't know what He knows! My thoughts are not like His. Not at all!

I see a backbiting woman and my thought is, "Shut up, *b@#$%!" Clearly, this is not how God thinks--and I am not just talking about the profanity part. From my limited understanding and experience with God, I understand His heart breaking. And not for the victim. For the backbiter.

He sees more than just the experience, more than what we can see. He sees the backbiter's childhood and the pain and perhaps a father who never knew how to make his daughter feel special. And this father's lack of attention that directed her into a marriage with a man who is always too busy, which pushed her closer to God as she strove to follow the preacher's admonition. For as her father demonstrated, God is only proud when you prove yourself worthy. So when her husband ignores her, she turns to Him out of loneliness and desperation but also out of a need for His approval. It was her father's and now her husband's divine duty to show her His true love, a love that does not require performance, but neither men knew God like that, so now neither do the women in their lives. And then when this woman sees another woman behave out of step with her understanding of what makes God pleased, she feels righteously angered. But really, she feels unloved. And angry because she is still desperate for affection and understanding, subconsciously frustrated, wondering when all her work to win His affection will be enough.

And I wanted to curse that woman. I wanted to punish her. But I did not understand. God is no joker when He warns not to judge.

It helps me understand why the persecuted are blessed. In my little dramatization above, it's pretty clear that the "victim" was not the one being gossiped about. No, it was the broken woman doing the gossipping who is the real victim. But do I have eyes to see that?

Do I have eyes to see that something is missing in my own heart to even want to curse that woman? How far my thoughts really are from His...how little of His love I allow myself to experience? Love covers a multitude of sin....had I love for her, I could have understood her, I could have blessed her, rather than cursed her. Paul was no fool to tell us to work out OUR OWN salvation. To work on ourselves first. To take the plank out of our own eye. It wasn't to admonish us; but to bring us closer to Him. Which would allow us to cover others in His love. I do not know His ways. Not truly.

I just can't shake the feeling that there is so much more than what I understand.

Mexico and England

I am so proud of my friends today. All of them!

We have watched our dear friend fight a hard battle that many would claim ungodly. Or at least un-good-Christan-wifely. But when you hear the word of God speak to your heart, you cannot deny that experience. Did it not seem ungodly for Hosea to marry a prostitute? Twice? Did it not seem ungodly for Jesus to heal on the Sabbath? Only if you don't know what they know.

Our friend knew. She is from a beautiful Mexican heritage and her husband's parents are both from England. British. Mexican. And today we celebrated a victory between them that seemed as unlikely as a Mexican tea party.

Viva the tea! And long-live women and friendships that fight good battles.

Call me Midas

I am literally covered with gold today. The gold has filled up all my fingernails and now my skin is covered in the glittery, precious glow of it. I am overflowing with treasure, scraped and sought from the trial I found myself in.

My circumstances have changed not at all. No new info, no back-tracking, no solution. I am where I was when I got the call that threw me a bit off my rocker. Only now I am lining my pockets with nuggets and rubbing my back along the gold on the wall as I walk out of this rich, beauteous mine.

My trial has indeed been a blessing. It isn't over. My next post may be a rant of screams and fear. But today and this weekend we were blessed--literally able to count the blessings--that came from this undesirable circumstance. Truth be told, we had to force ourselves to count. The blessings, these gold nuggets, were NOT obvious. The fear, the shakes, the anger and the sense of betrayal were clear as day.

The trials were hidden in the back of the mine. We had to get on our knees and crawl our way to the back to where the gold nuggets were piled there just waiting for us to get greedy enough to grab all the treasure we could hold.

Until it has now filled my nails and covered me in it. We had to change OUR thinking, our vision, our behavior (Isaiah 55:6-8). But the gold was there all along.

And I feel ever so very rich in storable goods that will last eternity.

Going mining

I was given an image today of my difficult "situation" with our company.

Mining.

This situation has become a mountain and I am determined to mine the heck out of it! To get every last nugget of gold that the Word promises remains in every trial. So I'm going to mine it til it's dry, while I still have the chance. I can almost feel my fingernails scraping the edges of the mine in an attempt to get all the gold I possibly can from this struggle.

If the Lord has seen us worthy to suffer, then we are blessed indeed. And I'll be pretty rich here in a matter of minutes from all the gold I'll be mining out of this mountainous trial.

Watch out. I'm going mining!

I'm out!

Ever find it hard to go on? I am traditionally a quitter. Maybe not in action, but in heart. Often, my first reaction to disappointment is to walk away. I see, though, that in reality I am a fighter.

But every once in a while, I get the distinct urge to hang up. To give up. To walk away. To wash my hands and start over. Today I received some information about the business Rory and I started. As soon as I got the info, I felt my heart hang up. I turned the water on and soaped up ready to wash myself of the whole thing. To be honest, this we may have hit our first bump.

So I am out!

But recognizing this tendency has been my greatest strength. Instead of making any decision (thanks in part to my strong husband), I contacted my two greatest prayer warrioring friends and beseeched them to beseech Him on my behalf. Immediately I received a barrage of truth:

"It's a stumbling block. The enemy is trying to discourage you. Tell him NO! "
"Don't be discouraged. This is a test!"

So I picked that receiver back up and turned off the water. I haven't dropped the phone in its cradle yet or left the bathroom (if you are by chance still following my mixed metaphors of hanging up and washing my hands, i.e., quitting), but I am turning my gaze to truth.

Watching Rob Bell's Everything is Spiritual dvd earlier today now seems like perfect battle gear for an afternoon I never could have seen coming. A lot of this dvd was (for me) about a paradigm shift (a favorite phrase of my husband and father-in-law). And that's what Jesus is. He is so much more than our understanding of religion or rules.

Like Rob Bell said, it's like trying to make a rectangle into a circle. Impossible! Unless you look at a marker. From it's length-side view, it is a rectangle. Face the cap towards you, and it's a circle. Hmm...it's like saying "Thou shalt do no work on the Sabbath." And then obeying by cutting/eating wheat on a Saturday. The religious folks were livid! They had their proof. They had their facts. As a black and white kind of debater, I can't deny that the religious-ites were correct. And yet they were wrong.

I don't want to be wrong when He returns. I know He's coming and I know He will blow our minds much like He did the first time He was here. I don't want to be so stuck in the rules and the facts that I miss the activity and experience of His spirit.

So I will be continuing on with my day and weekend as planned. I will see this experience for what it is: spiritual. And knowing that all things work to the good of those who love God, I will go forward in the graceful expectation of some very good things--hopefully maybe even things that I wouldn't have recognized as good at first.

Not so fair after all

Justice. Such an interesting term. We Christians use it a lot. We refer to our God as a just God. We explain that hell exists because of His justice.

I once heard a good man expostulate Micah 6:8. He said that we are supposed to love mercy, that is, give mercy wherever possible. But our own actions are to be just. It's a lot easier to demand justice from others. He advised that we ought to instead demand justice from ourselves first. Give mercy to everyone else.

Then I read a verse that has been surprisingly quiet in most Christian literature and sermons (completely absent from any marriage counseling I have ever heard save for LifePartners). This is how The Message paraphrases 1 Peter 2:18-20,

"There's no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve. But if you're treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God."

What? Are you serious? I have a hard enough time accepting punishment for what I deserve. I can't imagine doing the same when I am unjustly accused.

Reading this this morning made me think that God has a very different view of justice then I thought. And it's not just a New Testament concept. Joseph was constantly wrongly accused and punished--to his credit he accepted both many times over without complaint. Daniel--the man had never sinned!--went without argue to the lion's den. It's almost as if God is really saying, "You don't live here! Let them behave as they will. You serve Me and I do not disappoint."

Like with this recent presidential election, the question arises, whom do we really serve? Do we serve a God we can trust even in uncomfortable situations? Is our God able to allow us unjust treatment as part of His perfect will? And more personally, what kind of Christ-follower am I? Can I dish out mercy even while being unjustly accused? Sounds a whole lot like a Christ-likeness I have often said I wanted to strive for. Will my actions match my words?

I know at times my husband has accepted unjust treatment from me. I don't mean unjust in that I didn't do his laundry or my strand of pearls broke while I made dinner. I mean in my open and honest witch-like state. I scream sometimes. I have been known to break a thing or two. When he extends mercy to me in these situations and abandons justice for my sake, I get the privilege of seeing Jesus in my house. He has the right to demand better from me. He has the right to demand "respect." He sacrifices his right, though, and pours mercy over me. This is the kind of Christ-likeness the world is dying for. It is humbling, overwhelmingly peaceful and breathes life into my very bones.

It's one thing to accept injustice. It's quite another to receive unjust treatment and respond with mercy. That behavior spells L-O-V-E.

That's the kind of Christian I want to be.

Which ship

I am so inspired by the underdog today. I don't necessarily feel I fit the bill today, but I am inspired by how the bigger picture (by which I mean God's view) really illumines truth despite the way it might appear.

I heard at a meeting this morning an inspiring contrast between the Mayflower and the Titanic. Both ships set sail from England to America. The former embarked on a perilous pilgrimage--it was a risk, an adventure looking only to above for the results. The results, well, the results are almost incomparable: a nation free from kings, a land governed by its people, trade free and profitable. America (no matter your political view) has changed the world forever. The Titanic, however, was a sure bet. All the science, the money, the glam, the proof was in this ship--this unsinkable ship! And it sunk before ever even viewing its final destination. In which do I place my hope? In the proven science of money and industry? Or in the direction of my Creator no matter the appearance and the peril?

I recently went to a Coldplay concert. (Interestingly this is a British band...) I was amazed by the talent and artistry displayed. I don't know their individual journey's, but I am inspired by so many of their lyrics that resonate with my sense of how what we see on the outside has nothing to do with our real position (i.e., we might look secure on that Titanic--doesn't mean we are). It also speaks to the never-ending roller coaster of life--the ups and downs. At times, we appear to be losing. Chips are counted and it appears we are out. But at others, we are that big fish in a little pond feeling invincible. In both, can we embark on our Mayflower?

Here are some lines a' la Coldplay to inspire:

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I would cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get
What I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

--"Lost"