Never/Sometimes/Often/Always

How do you know that God is good?

I think for a sad number of us, we know that God is good because He answers our prayers. I have noticed a trend (and not necessarily just a current trend) to our use of the phrase, "God is good!" Aside from worship songs and scriptural quotes, it tends to follow phrases like:

My sister bought a new house!
I got the job promotion!
We got a great deal on a wedding cake!
My favorite movie was available for rent!

soooo.....

God must be good!

When times trouble us, though, we begin searching for God.

My aunt past away unexpectedly--she was only 43.
We lost our house to foreclosure.
My identity was stolen.
We had a miscarriage.
My spouse cheated on me.
I lost my job.

During these times, our rallying cry of a good God is replaced with questions. I am no masochist and wouldn't expect anyone to necessarily celebrate the latter situations. But I do wonder how we each individually (and collectively as a body) define God's goodness. I am scared that it might be based on our earthly sense of security. If our world is shaken, then we must begin to find God. If things go our way, then God must be in control.

I am sure most of us realize what kind of logical mishap we enter into the moment we begin to depend on our own understanding to define anything about God much less God's goodness. If we (or better yet our circumstances) can define it, then we haven't got a God at all. Then we've only got a god. And all religions have gods--even atheists.

I have had to come to terms with this a lot. My earthly sense of security gets shaken up more often than most people. Or at least, that's how it feels to me sometimes! But I had to come terms with God's identity most notably when we had a miscarriage about a year and a half ago. I refrained from even using the term "miscarriage" for a long time. A miscarriage seemed so technical--we really felt that we lost our baby.

We watched as other people carried their little ones to term and delivered healthy, happy newborns. We watched unmarried women, emotionally divorced couples, financially bankrupt couples, nearly divorced couples and others and began to wonder why. Why them? Why not us? When we found out we were pregnant, we cried (and welcomed from others),

God is good!

When we lost our baby, people were deafeningly silent.

Was God no longer good? How could we be so fickle? God did not change! Only my circumstances. And as we sought Him out (and even more so as we look back), we realize that His timing was perfect. That situation was perfect! Gut-wrenchingly painful, yes. But still good!! God is/was/will always be good!

I smile now when people ask if we have children and openly talk about the wonders that took place when we had our miscarriage. It was a beautiful time! It sounds strange to write that, but when you know the God I know, what could He bring to me that would not be good?!

I am so touched by the sensitive hearts that cry "God is good!" when their kids win the softball tournament and they get the close parking spot. That's beautiful! But how many of us can look at the disappointments, the confusion, the "bad" things and say the same?

I remember reading about Aslan in C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Aslan is the Christ figure in the story and one of the girls, curious about this powerful creature, asks if he is safe.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

That's the kind of God I serve. He isn't a safe God, He isn't a pretty God. He is all-powerful and He loves me. And He is very, very good.

A big change

I am getting a bit worried. I see so many signs leading to a future that frightens me.

For the last several years the world has worked hard to show us that there is more to the show. To reveal the man behind the curtain, if you will. Take the kids' movie Monsters, Inc., for instance (and this is the least of the countless more obvious examples). The monsters live and die by a fear of children. But at the end, it is revealed that children and monsters are not incompatible.

It was all a...lie?

This paradigm shift is crucial to our country's demise. One by one (and it's happening so much quicker than would seem possible) we must abandon trust, fidelity, faith and our inner compass. We must be willing to think "outside of the box." And inevitably, we will begin to truly switch from a Christ-focus to full propaganda. We will embrace Bollywood, move to Dubai and slowly but surely leave behind everything a generation before us knew. And "knew" as in "were convicted by" because of the greater truth that existed.

It's not the Middle East that frightens me. And thinking inside the box and burying our head in the sand will not save. It's not any part of the globe per se that frighten me. It's more the prince of this world. The conflict will arise and it will appear that we have lost. But we will not. We must be so careful to exchange our thoughts for His so that we are not mislead. There are no words, no books, no speakers and certainly no formulas to save. Only Him and Him alone. Do you know Him?

Something is coming. There is a future we have never imagined right behind the corner. We have been warned for a very, very long time. But who is ever truly prepared for a thief in the night?

I didn't want to do it....

I have that old love tune stuck in my head, "You made me love you...I didn't want to do it...."

I came home this morning and ready to veg out. But I felt a tug to pick up the Bible instead.

"Oh, I already did my reading today," was my self-congratulatory weasel of a reply. But I couldn't NOT do it. It wasn't an act of will or conscience. I could not refuse it.

So I picked it up and let it fall open. It fell to the last page of 2 Samuel--it only took up half a page in the Bible.

"Ok, quick reading," I conferred, doubting any strong role it could hold for my life.

This guy whose name is only letter from Glad (Gad, King David's seer) tells David to build an altar, so the obedient king follows the command to a tee.

"Ah, yes. So holy, good King David. Altar. Good. Nice."

The nice man offers the land King David wants to him for free.

"Oh so sweet. David was such a good king--everyone loved him."

Then I read the following:

"No, but I will surely buy it (the land David wanted to build his altar on) from you for a price, for I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God which cost me nothing."

"Which cost me nothing...." It rung in my head over and over. David wasn't being a good obedient king. He was being a man after God's own heart. The sacrifice had nothing to do with the sacrifice--it was for his own heart to be affected. For his own sin to COST HIM. He wouldn't take the gift because he wants this sacrifice to mean something--to cost him. For David, this altar is not just an act. It's a movement from his heart. He's aware that the altar has nothing to do with the land itself, but the condition of his heart. And for this wealthy king, he made sure that this sacrifice cost him.

"Ah...I think there may be something here for me...."

Curious, I flipped to the previous page and started reading the beginning of the last chapter of 2 Samuel. It is titled, "The Census and Plague." Clearly, this sacrifice had an interesting origin.

Here's how the chapter begins, "Now again the anger of the Lord burned against Israel and it incited David against them to say, "Go number Israel and Judah."

He he he. I love it--the word AGAIN. God was mad yet again at His chosen people. Again, the fury of our God rose against the people.

I recently learned from a doctor of Hebrew that Godly anger, loves the person and hates the sin. Sinful anger hates the person and embraces the sin.

So I can read it not that God turned His back on the people (clearly or else the Bible would have ended there) or decided that He hated them. No. He loved them, hated their sin. And David knew that this sin would have to cost him in order to learn from it--all the while never doubting God's love for him.

Oh to be like David!

But what this besetting sin that brought about the anger? It doesn't say. It does say, though, that David was incited (the commentary says by Satan--I am in such good company!!) to number his warriors. David wanted to keep tabs on his people. He wanted to count his men so he could ensure his safety and success. Ah, confidence in the logistics, not the Lord.

Turns out I am more like David than I'd like.

Even David's commander questions this census. It doesn't make much sense. But David is determined and makes them work for the next 9 months counting everyone. When he is given the final tally, he is broken, realizing that he has been wrong.

This is so me. Rory and I own our own business. Too often we have counted our list, done the math. It's not wrong. But then we let it rule us. It becomes all about the numbers. And if they vary or shift, well, then we panic. A lot like David.

The rest of the chapter is rife with real-life lessons. The biggest one is to read the Bible whenever I am prompted. Trust that small, still voice....

So quick too quick

So happy.

So happy for

spring
giving without buying
creativity
language--so many so different all the same
music
beats we feel in our hearts
community
words. words. words. endless. never enough
moving to Scripture
truth
images. all pieces of an eternal kingdom
giving giving giving unsurpassable by taking
figures none on their own all adding to the beauty that is finality eternally
nothing alone all working together
one common good only one God
tangible pieces of a perfect eternity
winter
the end
too much
too past
rest breathe wait endure
all just seasons all just ways to measure the time
the time the time the time
so quick so quick gone.

Married Asian

Please don't let me sound racist, but I married Asian. My husband's mother is Indonesian (immigrated to the states at 13) and so family functions on their side are wonderful. Tons of food, amazing laughs, great stories (Opa tells of killing an anaconda (barefoot, mind you) that was threatening his village) and endless, unconditional love. I love it and very affectionately and proudly refer to myself now as Asian by marriage.

The other night it was confirmed that Asia is in my blood. (My husband's aunt is quick to clarify that I am not Asian, but Pacific Islander. The need for clarification only solidifies the Asian in my mind.) At the local art museum my husband and I were awed by the Asian art exhibit on display. It was centuries of warrior costumes, pottery, idol statues and the most exquisite calligraphy and sketching. One such collections of sketches took our breath away.

(Google did not have the image. I have lost much respect for that dotcom now. As a result, you will have to close your eyes and just imagine. Here's what to let your mind conjure up:

One of the tiniest little black sketchbooks that you see at bookstores for ungodly amounts of money that they market to ascribe to the likes of Hemingway and I think even Da Vinci. At any rate, they are adorable and I own several. ANYWAY, picture one of those little leather bound black sketchbooks. Turn to any page and see beautiful Chinese characters on one page and breathtaking Chinese landscapes on another--all in ink and light colors in varying hues of gray and red. Hills, flowers, rivers. Beauty.)

Isn't that a nice picture? But what took our breath away was the caption. Here's what it read:

"A husband and wife, who shared interests in poetry and painting, made this small album in commemoration of a trip they took. Its miniature size suggests the intimacy between them."

The existence of such a book confirms my Asian destiny: Rory and I inscribed a sketchbook that we shared years ago (before the married days even I think) dedicating it to the writer (me) and the painter (him) who together would compose our story (the names Rory and Stephanie put together).

Is this more than a tie to a culture? Clearly. It's a tie to a romance that was destined. And to see a couple sharing the same thing centuries ago took our breath away. I married Asian, but I am following a long legacy of love. It's a story too beautiful to happen more than once and yet it's all around us.