New Favorite Flicks

Hands down my favorite dvd of all time is our babe's ultra-sound dvd. She is famous in our house! And too many aunties and tantes have already seen it twice! Rory likes to just put it in and have it playing it in the background. We just can't get enough of her!! I have started journaling to her just because I have so much I want to say/teach/express. It has made me realize why the Bible is so big.

Tonight we watched "Gentle Birth Choices." It was filmed in the '90's (as every outfit and hair-do will attest!) but it has evoked quite an emotional response from me and Rory. Well, to be honest, I cry now every time I see a birth. (Which by the way, you can watch at www.babycenter.com. I am semi-addicted!)

Part of my emotional response is in realizing that I will actually birth this baby. With the miscarriage before and all that can go "wrong," it is easy to live in fear. I think a lot of birthing choices are made in fear (which the film only somewhat alludes to). But the Lord is so clear that He isn't present in fear.

I was reading through Matthew and something interesting caught my eye. It was the part about a hand or eye causing you to sin. We all know the symbolism (or literalness depending on viewpoint...) of removing sin-causing body parts. But this is what caught my eye:

"If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire."

It's the phrase "enter life" that I can't get out of my head. I wish I knew more about the Greek words used in this verse, but taking it at face value, time on earth doesn't equal life.

What equates life, medically speaking? Breath. If you stop breathing, you are no longer alive. The Greek words for breath and spirit just happen to be the same word. But our spirit doesn't stop! I am convinced that the moment of conception is a spiritual matter. Life = spirit.

So this "life" spoken of in Matthew is a spiritual thing, it's heaven. It's a spiritual world. Once the Holy Spirit enters us this life begins. So whether my baby enters the earth or not, she is alive. Her spirit has been conceived and that is why she breathes.

So what is there to fear? First of all, she is not mine. He is her Great Shepherd and Father. Secondly, I can not impart the spirit. While I might give birth, I do not make life. Basically, I am processing out my faith. My faith that this is God's plan, God's day and God's daughter.

My only prayer is to grow closer to Him and glorify Him alone through it all.

Sleepless in the Starks Home

Today was our ultra-sound. Dun dun dun!!

For days we've been on pins and needles anticipating all the news that would come with the first image of our baby. As we're doing this naturally and with a midwife, we've planned on only doing one ultra-sound. So this was a big day!

So big that I found myself completely wired at 2am this morning....totally unable to fall into any semblance of sleep. I eventually lay in bed where I tossed and turned and barely got an hour of rest. I got up on adrenaline and have been running on it ever since.

Of course the ultra-sound tech was late. Our midwife referred us to Sound Wave, a local ultra-sound tech company that comes to your home. We had to borrow a TV set from Rory's parents--since we still don't own one of our own--so that we could watch our little life wiggle around in my tummy in the comfort of our living room. (By the way, I was shocked at how repulsed I was at a TV set sitting in my living room. I couldn't bring myself to leave our bedroom until Rory covered it with a sheet! It was of course worth every second of its existence just for the moments we had with our baby bouncing around on screen. Suddenly the repulsive black box transformed into the golden carriage of our baby's image. I wouldn't have done it any other way.)

I felt like a 4-year-old waiting for Santa Clause! I practically paced around the house until he showed up around 2:30. He was a wonderfully amiable guy who Rory got quite a kick out of. He was very calm and reassuring and made lots of funny jokes that we have recorded on the ultra-sound dvd.

Every time he measured a part of this wonder body inside me, he would pause and say, "Which means...." and I would finish, "It's perfect!" Perfect skull, perfect heart, perfect arms, long skinny legs, a perfect spine and big ears! Lol.

And then he announced, "You're the proud new owners of a brand new 2009 baby girl!"

At the first sight of her with all of her limbs and spine and organs, I cried. She was healthy! As he continued to measure and pronounce her perfect, every anxiety within melted. When he told us she was a she, I broke down, surprising myself at how much I wanted a little girl.

I was certain from the start that we were having a boy. I loved him and already knew he was handsome. But when I saw her and knew her to be her, everything changed. My heart melted and I felt like I was meeting my best friend for the first time.

We're having a girl. And she's perfect!

Thank you, Jesus, for You heard the cry of this mother's heart. You recieved my fears and held me still, strong. Thank you for our sweet, sweet gorgeous baby. She is yours from the beginning. Lead us in our every move of raising her on earth, closer and nearer to You every minute, every day. Hold her as she grows inside. Strengthen her for the world You have prepared for her. May Love fill her inside out. And give me wisdom beyond all understanding and knowledge as I nurture her within me and bring her into the world, Your world. Prepare her father in ways he can't understand as he takes on the responsibility of her heart and her spirit in the light of Your work in his life. Only by the power of Your Spirit and Your Name, according to Your Will. Amen.

This is a tough one to write

Marriage blows me away.

I was raised by one of the wisest women of all time. Looking back, I am amazed at how well she prepared my sisters and I for life. And so much of that was done through her dire honesty. We were not allowed to be afraid and we were not allowed to be fooled--not fooled by the world, not fooled by our flesh and not fooled by our own ignorance.

I remember her very honestly telling us all we could ever want (or not want) to know about drugs, sex and marriage. She told us how great drugs made you feel--at first. But she also told us how it was impossible to just play around with drugs. How if you just wanted to try it, it would rope you in until like her high school friend, you would find yourself selling your daughter for another high. (Turns out this story was a lie, btw. Her friend never did this. But she was honest in everything else we had not reason to question this!) I know personally that I was never even tempted to get high growing up. I didn't feel like it had anything to offer. My mom told us all about it and the end didn't sound too good.

In a similar way, she told us about marriage. Not one of us girls ever grew up waiting for a Prince Charming. There was no sense that a man would complete us. And as college graduates and well-rounded world travelers, there was nothing a man could offer us that we couldn't provide ourselves. This mentality freed me up tremendously. I can honestly say that I got married because of love and out of obedience to the Lord.

Interestingly, this did not make for a perfect marriage. But it did make for a free marriage. By this I mean that I was free to express myself and my heart. And this caused many, many "problems."

Anyone who says that marriage is "wonderful," "a dream come true," "everything I wanted," is either lying or delusional.

That sounds pretty harsh, doesn't it?

But not if you're going by the Bible. What about our relationship with Jesus is a fairytale? Ok, sure the premise is romantic enough. But I am talking about the day to day dying to self.

Killing the flesh is not wonderful, people! Conforming to His Will is not a dream come true! Now, the results? They are everything I could ever want. But marriage needs to be a picture of the struggle of killing self.

And like the Bible demonstrates, it can only happen when the husband lays down his life for his wife. It can't happen by the wife "submitting" and it doesn't materialize through a wife's "respect." It is born out of His (the husband's) love of for us. He (the husband) must love us (the wife) first!

Any other use of marriage is a mis-use of Scripture and a mockery of the gospel of Christ.

Who loved us first? Who died for us first? Who offers understanding and rest for the weary?

Jesus, Jesus and Jesus. He is the only one. And that is the standard to which a husband is called. By the Bible's very own admonition.

My freedom in our marriage forced Rory to reckon with this early on. It brought about a whole lot of junk and I truly doubted that we would "make it." But through his honest and very real struggle, he has begun in small ways, and some grand ways, to make me feel like I live with Jesus--like I am loved in a very real way everyday by Jesus Christ Himself. Sometimes I feel like shouting, "I get to live with Jesus!!"

This love is so deep and so penetrating, so life-changing and humbling, that I do not merely respect him. I adore him. My love for him verges on worship.

This, this very scenario, is the acting out of Ephesians' call to love and respect. This call is not a 50/50 if this, then that. It is not about if she will respect then he will love and vice versa. How could I possibly ever respect Jesus enough to make Him love me? The Bible is clear that His love has nothing to do with my deeds--in fact, His love is in spite of them. And what does nearly all of the last half of Ephesians 5 deal with? The husband's holy requirement to love like Jesus. This means it is not dependant on the wife at all! If it is, then the gospel is not what He says it is. If it is, then we have been fooling ourselves and the way to heaven can be earned. If it is, then the Bible has little to offer because if we merely respect enough then He will love. If this is the case, then who holds the real power and the true key to our salvation? We do.

This is a very scary logic of thinking that has taken the church captive and slowly edged Jesus out of our marriages and out of our homes.

Even worse is our poor translation of Ephesians 5:33--the entire basis of this love and respect connundrum. Looking at a Bible (the online ones often don't use italics so they aren't reliable for this kind of study), you'll see a few words in italics. These italics mean that those words are not in the original language--they are words the translators added so that the English would make more sense.

Here's how the NASB looks:

Ephesians 5:33

"Nevertheless, each individual among you is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband."

Look how weird it would sound if the added words (the words in italics) were removed:

"Nevertheless, each individual among you is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must that she respects her husband."

Interestingly, "that" can also be translated as "therefore" or "as a result." That would make Ephesians 5:33 read like,

"Nevertheless, each individual among you is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must as a result respect her husband."

Which translation is correct? The one we've always had because it sounds right or the one that is most closer to the original because it falls in line with every other Scripture about Christ's love?

I say the latter. There is much Greek language study that can prove the latter is true. I know there is something in Greek called the "Hena" (not sure on spelling?) clause that forces the latter to be the most accurate translation. But I am no Greek scholar.

I do know, however, that after Jesus talked to the disciples about marriage in Matthew 19 it says, "The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

Now if Jesus were describing complete submission and undying respect for every husband from every wife regardless of his behavior do you think that the disciples would have replied that way? I doubt it. I doubt that any man would think it better to be single and celibate the rest of his life than to hold to such favorable tenets.

At any rate, marriage blows me away. I am in awe of it and mostly because of the way I see my husband live it out. And to be honest, I don't know that I would have stayed in this marriage if he didn't live it out as he does. But because of the way he holds himself accountable and dies to his own desires and picks up his cross daily, I don't know that I could ever leave! He has become completely and honestly irresistable!

While pregnant, I can still talk in idealisms :)

Rory and I were reminiscing yesterday. We were semi-laughing at our first years being married. (I can say years now because this May marks our 5th anniversary. WOW.)

Both working full-time and both in school full-time, we were b-u-s-y. And although it felt like we were hardly ever home, our house still needed maintaining. I remember my frustration at his attitude of "helping out" around the house. I could not for the life of me understand how the role of house-keeper had been delegated to me but his efforts to help me out should earn him a medal. It wasn't an issue of feminism or self-righteousness, but as a human equally as busy as he, I didn't understand how OUR house had become MY responsibility.

After much talking (read "screaming") and LifePartners group sessions (I will always love Ken's explanation that the woman was NOT created to maintain the house. When Eve was purposely and uniquely formed, remember, there were no children, there was no home, and food and laundry were nowhere to be found. Alas, our role/purpose as women has nothing to do with the house and/or children.), we came to both understand that the home belonged to us and as such we both needed to maintain it.

Now, had I or he been a stay-at-home parent, things may have been different. I completely understand how scheduling and lifestyle can play a role in household duties.

However, now that it comes to endless parenting conversations, we're beginning to see a theme. While I may be at home with the baby, this baby is no more mine than his. In fact, I tend to see his role as bearing greater responsibility (biblically speaking that is). We were talking on the way home from the grocery store last night about how bizarre and yet perfectly wordly the concept of dad "helping mom out" really is. In fact, in today's world it is honorable for a father to step forward to "help out" with the baby.

But what a short-sell of the gospel of Christ that is. Is that why Jesus came?! To help out with us sinners? I am pretty confident (and blown away daily by the fact) that Jesus rendered heaven to come down to us. He left it all for US. This is His same desire for fathers.

What a different world it would be if in fact each of our fathers had considered work, golf, sports, etc. nothing in comparison to their children.

My desire is for this child to know that nothing comes before him in his daddy's eyes. Jesus has worked so patiently proving this fact to us, and I am thrilled to watch Him teach us how to show the same to our little "peanut."