It's not what I think it is

Have you ever wondered what you don't know? I have heard that the more you learn, the more you realize you don't know.

I guess I must be VERY smart then, because all I can think about is how much I don't know. That sounds funny. But that's kind of what I mean. There is an irony in "knowing" when you know God. It sounds funny to think we know anything because clearly, we do not. And yet, we do! Have I lost you yet?

In my few short years of life on earth, I have seen too often that there's more to the story, more to the picture. A view of knowledge held only by our Creator and He gives it to us as best we can receive it--that is, in very little particles of knowing. And then every once in a while two little knowledge particles collide and the light goes on, "Euereeka!" We have our "Aha!" moment. We make a connection between two previously isolated facts of knowledge and we learn something, our eyes are opened just a bit more. And it's so exciting to us and yet so small to Him. Please don't read, irrelevant. It's not. We are not irrelevant to God. Every connection and attempt to learn is thrilling to Him. But it is so small compared to Him.

I can't get Rob Bell's view of the time dimension out of my head. And I can't wait to join God and see time as He does--as a wholly contained dimension of life, with a beginning and an end. God has no such beginning and end. He IS the beginning and the end.

And that fact blows my mind! How do you BE the beginning and the end? Do you see how much there is to wonder about? How much we don't know?

And it's not just relegated to the time and space continuum, either. I am constantly being blown away by how little I know of relationships and love and feelings. And since this earth will be destroyed and a new one will be made, I get the feeling that the relationship knowledge is just as important, if not more important than, the science stuff.

The Holy Spirit speaks in groans and utterances. Making Him sound very much like a teenage girl and/or an emotional wife. "Ugh! Umpf. Aaagh!" And it's not childish, either. It's an attempt to put a purely emotional/spiritual experience into physical words. Sometimes, there are no words. But women around the globe can identify the feeling that accompanies the groans. And that's how I feel about the stuff I don't know, but can sense exists. It's how I feel when someone says something and for whatever reason a little cue is piqued deep inside and I know something isn't quite right with their words. I don't know if this is my conscience. It feels more like intuition. And by that, I mean the Holy Spirit. It's the Spirit within telling me there is more (Jeremiah 34:34).

And that's how I feel with life right now. There is more. I can only groan in utterances trying to convey why I know. I can't put it into mere words!

I am a firm believer in a literal translation of Isaiah 55:8. I don't know what He knows! My thoughts are not like His. Not at all!

I see a backbiting woman and my thought is, "Shut up, *b@#$%!" Clearly, this is not how God thinks--and I am not just talking about the profanity part. From my limited understanding and experience with God, I understand His heart breaking. And not for the victim. For the backbiter.

He sees more than just the experience, more than what we can see. He sees the backbiter's childhood and the pain and perhaps a father who never knew how to make his daughter feel special. And this father's lack of attention that directed her into a marriage with a man who is always too busy, which pushed her closer to God as she strove to follow the preacher's admonition. For as her father demonstrated, God is only proud when you prove yourself worthy. So when her husband ignores her, she turns to Him out of loneliness and desperation but also out of a need for His approval. It was her father's and now her husband's divine duty to show her His true love, a love that does not require performance, but neither men knew God like that, so now neither do the women in their lives. And then when this woman sees another woman behave out of step with her understanding of what makes God pleased, she feels righteously angered. But really, she feels unloved. And angry because she is still desperate for affection and understanding, subconsciously frustrated, wondering when all her work to win His affection will be enough.

And I wanted to curse that woman. I wanted to punish her. But I did not understand. God is no joker when He warns not to judge.

It helps me understand why the persecuted are blessed. In my little dramatization above, it's pretty clear that the "victim" was not the one being gossiped about. No, it was the broken woman doing the gossipping who is the real victim. But do I have eyes to see that?

Do I have eyes to see that something is missing in my own heart to even want to curse that woman? How far my thoughts really are from His...how little of His love I allow myself to experience? Love covers a multitude of sin....had I love for her, I could have understood her, I could have blessed her, rather than cursed her. Paul was no fool to tell us to work out OUR OWN salvation. To work on ourselves first. To take the plank out of our own eye. It wasn't to admonish us; but to bring us closer to Him. Which would allow us to cover others in His love. I do not know His ways. Not truly.

I just can't shake the feeling that there is so much more than what I understand.