'Twas the Night Before A First Birthday

One year ago tonight, the contractions had started. All the hope and and anticipation and a fair share of fear and trepidation one can experience, showered over me as my body began making way for my girl. We ate Pick Up Stix in the kitchen and waited and counted. Eventually we walked back and forth in front of the house, more counting, more contracting, increasing pain and excitement.

If it were a year ago, the doctor would be almost on her way. Her assistant, even closer. If it were a year ago, I would only sleep in five minute increments throughout the night, listening to the snores and sleep sounds of my husband and birth team as they sacrificed a night of comfort for my girl. If it were a year ago, I would only know partial joy. I would only be partially alive. Partially here. Partially me.

If it were a year ago, I wouldn't know how to diaper using cloth (Rory read up on it, not me). I wouldn't know how to wiggle snot out of a pipe-cleaner size nostril using a large blue bulb while wrestling a toddler-size fish using only my knee and elbow. If it were a year ago, I would have absolutely no clue how much I ADORE peek-a-boo, high-fives, listening to the sweet high-pitched sounds of the backseat, singing "All Around the Mullberry Tree," and putting on mommy's necklaces. If it were only a year ago, I would not have known sore breasts, flab just about everywhere and countless fears I never before existed.

A year ago I had no idea what to expect. I imagined the life within, the gift to come, the reality of a person on the brink of this side of oxygen-filled breath. And the minute I saw her, I knew her. "Oh! You. Yes, of course. It was always you." And the last 365 days or so she has shown herself to me. Wow. What a fun-loving, giggling, smiling and waving, friend-making, room/floor/wall and everything exploring, learning soaking absorbing, silly-making tall blonde sunflower of a girl.

Tonight we had Pick Up Stix in memoriam. But this time, oh, let me tell you the joy of this time this year! We left before they could kick us out (someone tends to shake her food all over the table til it hits the floor, ahem, I mean, covers the floor) and made our way to the grass out front. Where we proceeded to wave to every arriving and departing car and its various passengers, spilling even more food on the grass which made us giggle and giggle. We forcefully made our case for being able to walk into the street by ourselves, though to no avail. We walked and walked and walked insisting mommy hold both hands (mommy cannot express the awe of being needed and wanted in such an innocent way by her love girl) up and down the sidewalk, shreiking with glee when we saw the older girl walking with her parents. We drank juice and water and spilled a lot of both on our dress that was covered in dust, dirt and food from our fun night of memory-making and remembering. And we had absolutely compeletely no idea how much Mom was filled with joy, to overflowing.

A year! Her first. My first. Our first. Happy birthday, India June! I am so glad you are here.

Tomorrow...we party!