So quick too quick

So happy.

So happy for

spring
giving without buying
creativity
language--so many so different all the same
music
beats we feel in our hearts
community
words. words. words. endless. never enough
moving to Scripture
truth
images. all pieces of an eternal kingdom
giving giving giving unsurpassable by taking
figures none on their own all adding to the beauty that is finality eternally
nothing alone all working together
one common good only one God
tangible pieces of a perfect eternity
winter
the end
too much
too past
rest breathe wait endure
all just seasons all just ways to measure the time
the time the time the time
so quick so quick gone.

Married Asian

Please don't let me sound racist, but I married Asian. My husband's mother is Indonesian (immigrated to the states at 13) and so family functions on their side are wonderful. Tons of food, amazing laughs, great stories (Opa tells of killing an anaconda (barefoot, mind you) that was threatening his village) and endless, unconditional love. I love it and very affectionately and proudly refer to myself now as Asian by marriage.

The other night it was confirmed that Asia is in my blood. (My husband's aunt is quick to clarify that I am not Asian, but Pacific Islander. The need for clarification only solidifies the Asian in my mind.) At the local art museum my husband and I were awed by the Asian art exhibit on display. It was centuries of warrior costumes, pottery, idol statues and the most exquisite calligraphy and sketching. One such collections of sketches took our breath away.

(Google did not have the image. I have lost much respect for that dotcom now. As a result, you will have to close your eyes and just imagine. Here's what to let your mind conjure up:

One of the tiniest little black sketchbooks that you see at bookstores for ungodly amounts of money that they market to ascribe to the likes of Hemingway and I think even Da Vinci. At any rate, they are adorable and I own several. ANYWAY, picture one of those little leather bound black sketchbooks. Turn to any page and see beautiful Chinese characters on one page and breathtaking Chinese landscapes on another--all in ink and light colors in varying hues of gray and red. Hills, flowers, rivers. Beauty.)

Isn't that a nice picture? But what took our breath away was the caption. Here's what it read:

"A husband and wife, who shared interests in poetry and painting, made this small album in commemoration of a trip they took. Its miniature size suggests the intimacy between them."

The existence of such a book confirms my Asian destiny: Rory and I inscribed a sketchbook that we shared years ago (before the married days even I think) dedicating it to the writer (me) and the painter (him) who together would compose our story (the names Rory and Stephanie put together).

Is this more than a tie to a culture? Clearly. It's a tie to a romance that was destined. And to see a couple sharing the same thing centuries ago took our breath away. I married Asian, but I am following a long legacy of love. It's a story too beautiful to happen more than once and yet it's all around us.

It's a holy day

I love Christmas time. Of all of our household decorations, the Christmas ones take up almost half of our garage. We love family time, giving presents and wearing scarfs. But this year, we have celebrated the holy day in another way.

We bought zero presents. We hung zero lights. We went to the mall, um, maybe once. Christmas this year has been for us like it might have been before World War II. You know, before consumerism became spirituality.

To be honest, deep down inside, I had hoped that the government would not bail out the banks. Secretly, I hoped that the economy would fail. Visions of bartering and hard work far from credit and mass-marketing schemes had begun to dance in my head. Alas, my dream did not come true. For everyone else, at least.

A few months back (when smart planners start to forecast Christmas presents), a new video entered my life.

Click here to watch it yourself. (It's about 20 mins in length.)

It is one of those videos that I inadvertently alluded to in my previous post. It's about something that I always knew was inherently evil but could never explain why. It was just a feeling that I think a lot of people have (kind of like how a lot of moms hate tv). I didn't know exactly why, but I knew something was wrong. This video succinctly put into words, with documented research to back up every claim, something that had always made me feel uneasy.

Before the video had even finished, my dearest friends and I had decided to make our own presents this year. But making our presents did more than just keep us out of malls. It gave us time to use our hands, engage our creativity and spend a day together. After showing it to my mom, she too agreed that this year we would not exchange presents.

And we didn't. And it's been wonderful!

I can't tell you how much money we have saved, how much stress I have avoided and how much enjoyment I have received.

I have spent so much time with the people in my life this season. I have had days on end when I babysat for a friend, organized my home office and went out to a late breakfast with my family. I can't explain it, but it really feels like there is something holy about this holiday this year. My husband and I have slept in, cleaned out the garage and watched lots of movies.

I can't escape the imagery I came across in a book I have been trying to get through recently. It's a gorilla (I didn't write this stuff--I just read it!) explaining captivity to a human. A formerly wild primate, this gorilla, known as Ishmael, was captured and displayed in a zoo. And then later rescued and kept in a man's home. He said while he was in the zoo, he didn't know he was in captivity. He couldn't tell much difference between the zoo and the jungle. He didn't even know captivity was a word--so how could he have possibly recognized it? He had seen the bars between him and the lines of people that would come point at him. But he didn't know the bars were to hold him in. This sage gorilla then asks the human what bars hold him in that he might not know about.

I do have visions of a nation where the economy is not controlled by interest rates. Where corporations do not have more rights than the individual. But governments and economies are not the true captors. No, there is no economic plan or government constitution that can truly impact our freedom. Ask the families of martyrs in China who still praise Jesus in silence with huge smiles on their faces. Ask Jesus. He stays surprisingly quiet on government policies and voting. Because He knows that externalities do not take captives. If they did, He would have come down and destroyed them. Instead, He came down and destroyed sin's power over us.

Sin has lost its power! Death its sting! But do we know that? Poor Ishmael is still looking for the bars of captivity. But the only bars are the ones we put up around ourselves!

God sees the captivity and He sent Himself here to us in human form, so we could watch Him live in freedom. So we could watch and study and observe and learn and now we can ask and pray about how to be truly free. That's what makes Christmas day so holy. A little baby, just like us, entered our world to show us freedom. Well, to show us love. And that love is the only love that does truly set us free.

For my husband and I, spending Christmas free from presents and giftwrap has been freeing--in some ways. But it is not freedom in itself. Freedom begins in our minds, in our thoughts. As a man thinks, so he is. So for us, we have experienced some freedom from consumerism. But this freedom will not save. Only He saves. I pray that Ishmael, like the rest of us, learns this sooner than later. May our eyes be fully fixed on Him today and everyday.

It's not what I think it is

Have you ever wondered what you don't know? I have heard that the more you learn, the more you realize you don't know.

I guess I must be VERY smart then, because all I can think about is how much I don't know. That sounds funny. But that's kind of what I mean. There is an irony in "knowing" when you know God. It sounds funny to think we know anything because clearly, we do not. And yet, we do! Have I lost you yet?

In my few short years of life on earth, I have seen too often that there's more to the story, more to the picture. A view of knowledge held only by our Creator and He gives it to us as best we can receive it--that is, in very little particles of knowing. And then every once in a while two little knowledge particles collide and the light goes on, "Euereeka!" We have our "Aha!" moment. We make a connection between two previously isolated facts of knowledge and we learn something, our eyes are opened just a bit more. And it's so exciting to us and yet so small to Him. Please don't read, irrelevant. It's not. We are not irrelevant to God. Every connection and attempt to learn is thrilling to Him. But it is so small compared to Him.

I can't get Rob Bell's view of the time dimension out of my head. And I can't wait to join God and see time as He does--as a wholly contained dimension of life, with a beginning and an end. God has no such beginning and end. He IS the beginning and the end.

And that fact blows my mind! How do you BE the beginning and the end? Do you see how much there is to wonder about? How much we don't know?

And it's not just relegated to the time and space continuum, either. I am constantly being blown away by how little I know of relationships and love and feelings. And since this earth will be destroyed and a new one will be made, I get the feeling that the relationship knowledge is just as important, if not more important than, the science stuff.

The Holy Spirit speaks in groans and utterances. Making Him sound very much like a teenage girl and/or an emotional wife. "Ugh! Umpf. Aaagh!" And it's not childish, either. It's an attempt to put a purely emotional/spiritual experience into physical words. Sometimes, there are no words. But women around the globe can identify the feeling that accompanies the groans. And that's how I feel about the stuff I don't know, but can sense exists. It's how I feel when someone says something and for whatever reason a little cue is piqued deep inside and I know something isn't quite right with their words. I don't know if this is my conscience. It feels more like intuition. And by that, I mean the Holy Spirit. It's the Spirit within telling me there is more (Jeremiah 34:34).

And that's how I feel with life right now. There is more. I can only groan in utterances trying to convey why I know. I can't put it into mere words!

I am a firm believer in a literal translation of Isaiah 55:8. I don't know what He knows! My thoughts are not like His. Not at all!

I see a backbiting woman and my thought is, "Shut up, *b@#$%!" Clearly, this is not how God thinks--and I am not just talking about the profanity part. From my limited understanding and experience with God, I understand His heart breaking. And not for the victim. For the backbiter.

He sees more than just the experience, more than what we can see. He sees the backbiter's childhood and the pain and perhaps a father who never knew how to make his daughter feel special. And this father's lack of attention that directed her into a marriage with a man who is always too busy, which pushed her closer to God as she strove to follow the preacher's admonition. For as her father demonstrated, God is only proud when you prove yourself worthy. So when her husband ignores her, she turns to Him out of loneliness and desperation but also out of a need for His approval. It was her father's and now her husband's divine duty to show her His true love, a love that does not require performance, but neither men knew God like that, so now neither do the women in their lives. And then when this woman sees another woman behave out of step with her understanding of what makes God pleased, she feels righteously angered. But really, she feels unloved. And angry because she is still desperate for affection and understanding, subconsciously frustrated, wondering when all her work to win His affection will be enough.

And I wanted to curse that woman. I wanted to punish her. But I did not understand. God is no joker when He warns not to judge.

It helps me understand why the persecuted are blessed. In my little dramatization above, it's pretty clear that the "victim" was not the one being gossiped about. No, it was the broken woman doing the gossipping who is the real victim. But do I have eyes to see that?

Do I have eyes to see that something is missing in my own heart to even want to curse that woman? How far my thoughts really are from His...how little of His love I allow myself to experience? Love covers a multitude of sin....had I love for her, I could have understood her, I could have blessed her, rather than cursed her. Paul was no fool to tell us to work out OUR OWN salvation. To work on ourselves first. To take the plank out of our own eye. It wasn't to admonish us; but to bring us closer to Him. Which would allow us to cover others in His love. I do not know His ways. Not truly.

I just can't shake the feeling that there is so much more than what I understand.

Mexico and England

I am so proud of my friends today. All of them!

We have watched our dear friend fight a hard battle that many would claim ungodly. Or at least un-good-Christan-wifely. But when you hear the word of God speak to your heart, you cannot deny that experience. Did it not seem ungodly for Hosea to marry a prostitute? Twice? Did it not seem ungodly for Jesus to heal on the Sabbath? Only if you don't know what they know.

Our friend knew. She is from a beautiful Mexican heritage and her husband's parents are both from England. British. Mexican. And today we celebrated a victory between them that seemed as unlikely as a Mexican tea party.

Viva the tea! And long-live women and friendships that fight good battles.

Call me Midas

I am literally covered with gold today. The gold has filled up all my fingernails and now my skin is covered in the glittery, precious glow of it. I am overflowing with treasure, scraped and sought from the trial I found myself in.

My circumstances have changed not at all. No new info, no back-tracking, no solution. I am where I was when I got the call that threw me a bit off my rocker. Only now I am lining my pockets with nuggets and rubbing my back along the gold on the wall as I walk out of this rich, beauteous mine.

My trial has indeed been a blessing. It isn't over. My next post may be a rant of screams and fear. But today and this weekend we were blessed--literally able to count the blessings--that came from this undesirable circumstance. Truth be told, we had to force ourselves to count. The blessings, these gold nuggets, were NOT obvious. The fear, the shakes, the anger and the sense of betrayal were clear as day.

The trials were hidden in the back of the mine. We had to get on our knees and crawl our way to the back to where the gold nuggets were piled there just waiting for us to get greedy enough to grab all the treasure we could hold.

Until it has now filled my nails and covered me in it. We had to change OUR thinking, our vision, our behavior (Isaiah 55:6-8). But the gold was there all along.

And I feel ever so very rich in storable goods that will last eternity.

Going mining

I was given an image today of my difficult "situation" with our company.

Mining.

This situation has become a mountain and I am determined to mine the heck out of it! To get every last nugget of gold that the Word promises remains in every trial. So I'm going to mine it til it's dry, while I still have the chance. I can almost feel my fingernails scraping the edges of the mine in an attempt to get all the gold I possibly can from this struggle.

If the Lord has seen us worthy to suffer, then we are blessed indeed. And I'll be pretty rich here in a matter of minutes from all the gold I'll be mining out of this mountainous trial.

Watch out. I'm going mining!

I'm out!

Ever find it hard to go on? I am traditionally a quitter. Maybe not in action, but in heart. Often, my first reaction to disappointment is to walk away. I see, though, that in reality I am a fighter.

But every once in a while, I get the distinct urge to hang up. To give up. To walk away. To wash my hands and start over. Today I received some information about the business Rory and I started. As soon as I got the info, I felt my heart hang up. I turned the water on and soaped up ready to wash myself of the whole thing. To be honest, this we may have hit our first bump.

So I am out!

But recognizing this tendency has been my greatest strength. Instead of making any decision (thanks in part to my strong husband), I contacted my two greatest prayer warrioring friends and beseeched them to beseech Him on my behalf. Immediately I received a barrage of truth:

"It's a stumbling block. The enemy is trying to discourage you. Tell him NO! "
"Don't be discouraged. This is a test!"

So I picked that receiver back up and turned off the water. I haven't dropped the phone in its cradle yet or left the bathroom (if you are by chance still following my mixed metaphors of hanging up and washing my hands, i.e., quitting), but I am turning my gaze to truth.

Watching Rob Bell's Everything is Spiritual dvd earlier today now seems like perfect battle gear for an afternoon I never could have seen coming. A lot of this dvd was (for me) about a paradigm shift (a favorite phrase of my husband and father-in-law). And that's what Jesus is. He is so much more than our understanding of religion or rules.

Like Rob Bell said, it's like trying to make a rectangle into a circle. Impossible! Unless you look at a marker. From it's length-side view, it is a rectangle. Face the cap towards you, and it's a circle. Hmm...it's like saying "Thou shalt do no work on the Sabbath." And then obeying by cutting/eating wheat on a Saturday. The religious folks were livid! They had their proof. They had their facts. As a black and white kind of debater, I can't deny that the religious-ites were correct. And yet they were wrong.

I don't want to be wrong when He returns. I know He's coming and I know He will blow our minds much like He did the first time He was here. I don't want to be so stuck in the rules and the facts that I miss the activity and experience of His spirit.

So I will be continuing on with my day and weekend as planned. I will see this experience for what it is: spiritual. And knowing that all things work to the good of those who love God, I will go forward in the graceful expectation of some very good things--hopefully maybe even things that I wouldn't have recognized as good at first.

Not so fair after all

Justice. Such an interesting term. We Christians use it a lot. We refer to our God as a just God. We explain that hell exists because of His justice.

I once heard a good man expostulate Micah 6:8. He said that we are supposed to love mercy, that is, give mercy wherever possible. But our own actions are to be just. It's a lot easier to demand justice from others. He advised that we ought to instead demand justice from ourselves first. Give mercy to everyone else.

Then I read a verse that has been surprisingly quiet in most Christian literature and sermons (completely absent from any marriage counseling I have ever heard save for LifePartners). This is how The Message paraphrases 1 Peter 2:18-20,

"There's no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve. But if you're treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God."

What? Are you serious? I have a hard enough time accepting punishment for what I deserve. I can't imagine doing the same when I am unjustly accused.

Reading this this morning made me think that God has a very different view of justice then I thought. And it's not just a New Testament concept. Joseph was constantly wrongly accused and punished--to his credit he accepted both many times over without complaint. Daniel--the man had never sinned!--went without argue to the lion's den. It's almost as if God is really saying, "You don't live here! Let them behave as they will. You serve Me and I do not disappoint."

Like with this recent presidential election, the question arises, whom do we really serve? Do we serve a God we can trust even in uncomfortable situations? Is our God able to allow us unjust treatment as part of His perfect will? And more personally, what kind of Christ-follower am I? Can I dish out mercy even while being unjustly accused? Sounds a whole lot like a Christ-likeness I have often said I wanted to strive for. Will my actions match my words?

I know at times my husband has accepted unjust treatment from me. I don't mean unjust in that I didn't do his laundry or my strand of pearls broke while I made dinner. I mean in my open and honest witch-like state. I scream sometimes. I have been known to break a thing or two. When he extends mercy to me in these situations and abandons justice for my sake, I get the privilege of seeing Jesus in my house. He has the right to demand better from me. He has the right to demand "respect." He sacrifices his right, though, and pours mercy over me. This is the kind of Christ-likeness the world is dying for. It is humbling, overwhelmingly peaceful and breathes life into my very bones.

It's one thing to accept injustice. It's quite another to receive unjust treatment and respond with mercy. That behavior spells L-O-V-E.

That's the kind of Christian I want to be.

Which ship

I am so inspired by the underdog today. I don't necessarily feel I fit the bill today, but I am inspired by how the bigger picture (by which I mean God's view) really illumines truth despite the way it might appear.

I heard at a meeting this morning an inspiring contrast between the Mayflower and the Titanic. Both ships set sail from England to America. The former embarked on a perilous pilgrimage--it was a risk, an adventure looking only to above for the results. The results, well, the results are almost incomparable: a nation free from kings, a land governed by its people, trade free and profitable. America (no matter your political view) has changed the world forever. The Titanic, however, was a sure bet. All the science, the money, the glam, the proof was in this ship--this unsinkable ship! And it sunk before ever even viewing its final destination. In which do I place my hope? In the proven science of money and industry? Or in the direction of my Creator no matter the appearance and the peril?

I recently went to a Coldplay concert. (Interestingly this is a British band...) I was amazed by the talent and artistry displayed. I don't know their individual journey's, but I am inspired by so many of their lyrics that resonate with my sense of how what we see on the outside has nothing to do with our real position (i.e., we might look secure on that Titanic--doesn't mean we are). It also speaks to the never-ending roller coaster of life--the ups and downs. At times, we appear to be losing. Chips are counted and it appears we are out. But at others, we are that big fish in a little pond feeling invincible. In both, can we embark on our Mayflower?

Here are some lines a' la Coldplay to inspire:

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I would cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get
What I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

--"Lost"

Day 2

Did you know....that Sabbath-keeping was how God commanded the Israelites to set themselves apart from the world?

Rory and I are full-blown into our own company (Stark Contrast Property Management). I hesitate to even say it, but we are so excited. There is a certain adrenaline running through our home right now. And we thank God for it because we have an amazing amount of work to do. Laying in bed last night I said aloud, "I can't believe it's only Monday." Rory practically screamed. Between Sunday and Monday I think I have done about a week's worth of work. It's crazy. But it's so fun.

Reading in Exodus this morning about Moses' face-to-face encounters with God I was so inspired. Moses clearly loves God. He loves spending time with Him, doesn't think about eating when he's with Him, debates issues with Him without anyone getting offending and after he leaves Him, his face literally glows--for days. Moses has to hide this glow from the people under a veil--it's one of those kinds of love the rest of the world just can't understand.

And Moses relays a few critical things to me that I read in Exodus today:

1. The Holy Spirit imparts skill. Craftsmen were filled with the Holy Spirit in wisdom AND in skill. This resonates with me as I often see craftwork (especially the arts, but also even construction) as such a creative, left-brained activity. I spoke with a crazy man once who I think Jesus appointed to converse with me and he told me a lot of random things. One of which is that our intuition is the Holy Spirit. And fear comes when we let our training take over our intuition. This does not mean to just whimsically follow our heart. But if you understand, you understand. He also talked a lot about the left brain.

2. The Sabbath is not just a day of rest. I had wrestled with Sabbath-keeping for most of my life. When Sunday rolls around, I am not tired. I always kind of thought that maybe I had a special exemption--not tired, no need for day of rest. But reading God's heart about the Sabbath it's much deeper than a day of rest. It's a day of saying, I won't control my work. I give control of my work to You. And this is how we are to know who knows God and who does not. Which of us are in control of our work? Because God is very clear that this Sabbath-keeping is for harvest and planting. Do you know how risky it is to just stop planting? If you aren't trusting God, it is very risky indeed. We're talking not being able to eat. But in this most especially, we are stop every 6 days, 6 years and rest. We are also supposed to party, but that's another story.

So as we begin this trek of running/owning/creating a business, I pray that we will offer it up completely to the Lord. Even on days when I am not tired. Because it's not our business. No, there's a Stark Contrast between us and the world and this business, well, this business is His.

Up, down and all around

I have often said that my life is a lot like a roller coaster. And to be honest, I like it this way. Lines don't lie. If your life can be mapped out in a straight line, well, I am afraid you might be flat-lining it. That is, you may not be alive.

Most of the women in my life know nothing about flat-lining. We are strong roller-coaster riding spirits. As Rory and I enter this new phase in our life, I feel the coaster click-click-click-click into motion. I am excited. And a little afraid. Ah, the complex thrill of adventure!

Pray for us as you read this. I am a firm believer that like Rob Bell says, "Everything is spiritual." I fully believe that this new opportunity is a chance to grow and mature spiritually. That's a big part of what excites me! This is a chance to use this little business (it's only been like 3 days officially and we have yet to create an official LLC, but still...) to form ourselves more into His likeness. And so the roller coaster begins.

I am reminded of Peter.

"Jesus, you are my best friend."

"If anything ever happens to you, I will die with you!"

"No one loves you like I love you, Jesus."

"Jesus is in trouble? Umm...no I don't know Jesus."

"No, I told You. I don't know that guy."

"Leave me alone! I don't know the man!"

Talk about highs and lows--and that was all in one night! If he were a woman, they would have institutionalized him. (Ok, that last comment is due in part to hearing a lot about the movie The Changeling.) Ah, what personal gratitude I have that this double-minded, fearful, doubtful, back and forth man would be the ROCK that the church was to stand on. A rock who makes mistakes. A rock who lies, denies and proves himself unfaithful. A rock who clearly knows what a roller coaster feels like. I am in good company.

Let the ride begin.

A phone call today

I had a great conversation with Rory's now former boss today. He called me for a few reasons I am sure: make sure I was feeling okay with the transition, encourage me to have Rory have Travis put the details in writing, etc. But mostly, his call made me feel incredibly honored to have Rory as my husband. The way he described Rory and how he wants the best for us told me that my man had earned this leader's respect.

Mike Flynn is a man of detail, order, organization and godly leadership. After we got off the phone today, I read Exodus--the part where God is incredibly detailed with every single little piece of instruction regarding the Tabernacle. And today I read it with encouragement and passion. Having worked for a man like Mike, I understand how supportive, encouraging and healthy it is to work for a man who is so detailed. It empowers the people around you. There is no room for fuzziness, for misunderstandings and for fear. The expectations are put clearly in writing. And Mike is there to do everything he can to help you succeed.

It might seem tiresome to read so many apparently random little details (tie this to this, make sure this is that color, etc.). But if I were building a temple to God (and we all are whether we know it or not), I would want it to be absolutely, no questions about it perfect. God (and his influence in Mike Flynn's life) make sure that we are/have been fully equipped to do just that. Not just so that we feel good about ourselves (though, this is a natural, wonderful result), but also so that God is glorified. I am grateful for a God of detail and the few men who are willing to emulate that in their daily interactions.

I am also incredibly, undyingly proud of my husband for honoring me by working so well, so hard and with such intense passion and heart. You have succeeded past my wildest dreams. And I am excited about the future. Thanks, Ror.

An old favorite

We are starting a new chapter. Part of that involves closing an old one. That's what my husband is doing today. Closing an old one.

Have you ever read a book and loved it so much that you couldn't put it down? You kept reading and reading as if it was feeding you and you were addicted to the nourishment? Mmm...page after page, chapter after chapter.

And then you reached the last page. You couldn't put it down but part of you realized that if you kept reading, you would finally be...done. And it saddens you to think that this experience, this life that opened up to you in these pages will actually come to an end.

This is a bit of what we are doing today. We have so enjoyed our journey at Bron. It has had antagonists and climaxes. Good days and bad days. But now as it comes to an end, I think we are a little sad to see it go.

L-O-V-E

If I were a boy. Love story. Womanizer. Hot n cold. Heartless. Love lockdown. And the number one most popular song on iTunes today: White Horse. A song about how fairytale love doesn't exist anymore.

These titles reveal so much about where we are today. About how we cry out for love--true love. We need it. We crave it. We sing it. We dance it. We sell it. And hope to receive love for doing it.

I even heard a news story on the radio today about advertisements the Humanist Society will be taking out this holiday season. One ad for a bus will read: "Why believe in God when you can just be good for goodness sake." Another: "Don't believe in God? You're not alone." These ads are meant to target atheists and agnostics who tend to feel alone around the holidays.

Even if you don't like God you crave love.

With the holidays approaching (Thanksgiving is less than 2 weeks away), one of the greatest love stories of all time will be told. Enya has a new album out where even she tells of God be with us (Emmanuel). "Oh come, oh come Emmanuel. And ransom captive Israel."

Love does exist. True love. The white horse. Jesus rode in on it and redeemed us, His captive love--He ransomed us! There was blood and sweat. Tears and pain. Joy and a love that never dies. Tell me romance is dead! He didn't make a show of it. He didn't throw money at it. Or turn a deaf ear to us. He rode in silently and went right to his love. And He never left. He offered us a new kind of love that knows its own and demands nothing. He offered the kind of love that we are crying for. The blessed day in December is approaching, reminding us all of the love we all so desperately need.

Call it "Manure"

We need a heck of a lot of s*** in order for anything worthwhile to grow. You can't just sprinkle it on. You can't just toss it out in the soil every once in a while. No, you need to layer it in. Cover every seed in soil that is laden with s***. Some call it manure but s*** works much better for my metaphor.

Sometimes it's hard to tell weeds from plants. The weeds can blossom. The weeds often grow quickly. The weeds can be quite beautiful. And long-lasting. But they aren't plants. They don't need any s*** to grow in. They can grow in cement or rocks.

But I want plants. Beautiful edible nourishing growth. And that takes a lot of s***. Thankfully, I am quite familiar with s***. So I expect a heck of a lot of growth anytime now. In fact, I see sprouts beginning to shoot forth from the soil. Sure took a lot of s***. But boy those plants look beautiful. And strong. And very, very nourishing.

On we go

I have been climbing uphill for so long. At times I get spurts of energy and burst ahead with full momentum. Other times, I find a rocky crag I can hide myself in and sit and wait for the storm to pass. Lately, I had been hiding a lot more than climbing.

I once heard a story about a woman who was attempting to swim, I believe, the English Channel. It was freezing and more difficult than any training could have prepared her for. Her coach was in a boat alongside her encouraging her and propelling her along with his voice. Finally, her arms gave out and she could take no longer. Calling it quits, she looked up and saw the shore was less than a mile away.

I am glad that in climbing I am able to hide in the rocks sometimes. Because, like my swimmer friend, I would have far too often called it quits if I wouldn't have been able to rest and hide.

The other day as I had crawled out from behind the rocks and begun climbing again (steady climbing this time--no spurt of energy but clear determination), I caught a glimpse of the view from the top. I hadn't reached the top, but I caught just a glimpse of some of what could be seen from the top. It amazed me. That little peek into what awaited me energized me for days. It was no spurt of energy. It was confirmation that I am almost there. The view won't leave my eyes even as I look to the next hold. So I climb on. Keeping my eyes ahead on the peak before me.

A special thanks to the women in my life who have held me in the rock and belayed me when I could take no more. We are on our way and we are closer than we know.

Transition

I think for the first time in my life I am learning to enjoy being young. As a kid, you just are. It isn't a conscious thought to be young. To play and not worry. It's just who you are. A blissful ignorance some might say.

But at some point, we all "grow up." For a lot of us, it comes too soon. And for most of us, we embrace it and jump into it fully ignorant of what adulthood is all about.

I know this well. At 12-years-old my mom insisted it was time I got a job. Now this wasn't like a sweat-shop type of it's time you learn how to support the family situation. Rather, she wanted to prepare me for life so we called the Alliance Defense Fund. Or rather, I, a 12-year-old called and set up an interview with Scott Phillips. Of course, it wasn't a paid position. (As an organization run by lawyers they were not interested in breaking child labor laws.) But you couldn't have convinced me of anything less.

I took this job so seriously that I would get a migraine by the end of every afternoon. Of course, now I look back and smile at the little girl sitting in the big chair in her brown cardigan and khaki pants. (I remember my mom's frustration in finding me office-appropriate attire in the juniors department. It was almost as if most 12-year-olds were not working in an office at that time.) It was a priceless experience that I owe so much to. My mom was always light years ahead of her time and I am so grateful that by 15 I knew how to interview, file papers and dress for success. Not to mention, I learned that hiking was the perfect way to eliminate work-place migraines.

By 16, I was student body president--of the local community college. I remember trying to hide from fellow students while waiting in the pick-up area for my mom to pick me up from student government meetings when I was just 15. I was always a go-getter. Ahead of the status quo. And I never even knew it. I kept wanting more, pressing on for more.

And now at 25, I think I am enjoying being young for the first time in my life. I have so much experience and knowledge to stand on that now I can wait in peace. I don't know where we are headed, my husband and I. Not specifically. His job has redirected him into a new path. I am in the middle of pursuing a few new things. We own our own house and don't have children. This is a unique transition time for us where we just get to be young and free. We get to play and (hopefully) not worry. The world is our oyster, so to speak.

Part of it is scary. But so much of it excites us. We feel that we are on the verge something new together. We are so close to the edge but know that God has to lead us there. And it's exciting. And fun to be young. The experiences I had as a child and teenager were stressful and not always easy. But if it was those that allow me to now step back and own my future in a sense, then I am very grateful. I am grateful that there is very little I am afraid of now. I owe that to my mom and to God who constantly catches me, stops me, redirects me, pushes me, guides me and leads to the quiet waters.

Here's to the future!

Honestly surprised

I know everyone knew Obama was going to win. But I really held my breath. I am honestly surprised and still trying to wrap my head around it all.

Since we don't own a tv, we sat glued to the internet until we couldn't take it anymore and finally went to a neighborhood pizza joint to watch the televised election coverage. The race was clearly led by Obama, but we kept our eyes glued.

When I saw the 297 flashing on the screen next to Obama's name, I shook my head back and forth and blinked a few times. Did it really just jump from 220 to 297? Rory turned to me, "Obama just won! It's over."

A few teenage guys who worked in the restaurant started yelling, "Our president's gonna get assassinated!" Which made me laugh. I have had the same thought, but they were all pulling for him and were thrilled with the results. The strange reality for them, though, was that he'd be assassinated. Gotta love teenage boys who have no right to vote yet.

The two other ladies in the restaurant were noticeably saddened. When the teenagers asked them why, they said, "Because we're old. We've loved longer and know what we're about to face." I couldn't help it. I chimed in, "And I don't want socialized health care. Plus I like to keep babies alive." This surprised and encouraged the right-winger ladies. "Yeah! Keep the government out of it."

I did vote for McCain. Not because I hate or am afraid of Obama. But because I cannot elect a man as my leader who would encourage anyone's right to kill another--even if it was just a fetus. And I don't want to lose my right to see my naturopathic doctor. I don't even know if Obama will change any of that, but it matters to me and McCain understands that.

Rory and I got in the car and I was surprised that I was truly saddened. I think a big part of him was, too. But then he said something very wise and very true.

"You know, we've been through a lot of ups and downs in our relationship. Things haven't gone the way we thought or always wanted. But God has led us through it all and I wouldn't change any of that."

"Yeah," I said. "You're right." And I looked ahead at the road before us and smiled.

Is it time to be afraid yet?

Obama might win. McCain might win. Ok. Nader might win. Either way, I am pretty sure that I am supposed to be afraid.

See Obama is really a Muslim terrorist/racist who will rise up to be the anti-Christ (because clearly the signs of the Apocalypse are to be found in email forwards, not facts or much less the Bible). And McCain is going to ruin our economy PLUS create another endless war as the Bush mimic. And if Nader wins, well, ok, Nader's not going to win. But if he did I am sure there would be critical life-altering and threatening changes coming.

I just read an article today about how our economic crisis developed because of our faulty economic policies. A suggested solution: Islamic financial policy based on the Holy Qu'ran. (I am not joking. You can find the literature at http://www.adbusters.org/blogs. It's the third to last article on the page.)

And don't forget that food prices are going up. We may all starve here in the near future.

And toxins and poisonous food are lurking in every area of our life waiting to destroy us.

And you know about Al Quada? They are nearly at our door if not already infiltrated through our nation.

And, of course, there are the good old-fashioned concerns: car accidents, kidnappings, robbery, random drive-by shootings, road rage, anthrax and heart attack.

Basically we ought to be afraid, very afraid. In fact, we should vote, eat, drive, walk and read all out of fear. Solemn, biblically-based, pulpit-inspired fear.

Could Rev. Falwell be right? Could these terrors be signs of punishment from God? I mean, He punished Israel, after all. If He's willing to punish His chosen people then surely this pagan nation is headed for doom and gloom. Look at the book of Hosea. He says He's going to "rebuke her (Israel)", "strip her naked," "make her like a desert," "block her path," and make it so she "can't find her way." And that's His plan of action to His favorite people. America must be screwed (especially if Prop 102 doesn't pass)!

But have we read the whole chapter? He does all of this for a single purpose: to draw her (Israel) back to Him. He then says He will "allure" her by speaking "tenderly" to her in her lost state. Then He says He will restore her vineyards and bring her hope.

What? I thought He did it because He was angry. He hated her and wanted her destroyed, right?

The Word says she got so far from her "husband (God)," that He removed every single distraction from her until she turned back to Him. Did He destroy her? Depends how you look at it. In my mind, her life was not taken. In fact, it was restored so that she would, as it says in Hosea 2:15, "sing as in the days of her youth."

Sure confusion and pain would have swirled around her as she began to lose all the things she trusted. In the beginning she declared "my lovers...give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink." To lose what she believed to be her sustenance would be devastating. But her way of thinking had become twisted. She forgot who really provided for her.

He expressly says "I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold." She got so far from the truth that she began living a lie. And she forgot the one who truly loved her--for her. She had done nothing to earn His love. But her "lovers" required many lewd acts in order to "love" her.

So might God be punishing us? I hope so. I am tried of performing my own lewd acts to receive love from a government, from an economy, from a corporate society that doesn't care whether I live or die and really does me no good at all.

I know that I have gotten far from Him. I have forgotten that it's Him who provided my house--not the real estate boom. It's Him that kept me healthy--not the Organics line at Safeway. It's Him that provided and withheld jobs--not the economy. It's Him that maintains the weather--not the Global Warming crisis. It's all been Him, but we (and I mean Christians when I say we) have trusted in the world for our prosperity.

It may sound extreme, but if it takes a socialist president and Qu'ran law to turn us back to Him, then so be it. We are assured that we have nothing to fear if we know Jesus. In fact, we have been promised that it will all work to good. That is, if we truly love Him.

So what are you afraid of this election? This day? This year? Maybe most of us grew up without a father or with one who would berate us and withhold affection and that's what we think of when we think of punishment. But that is not God's definition of punishment. It's about time we stop fearing the worst and trust the God whose express goal is to bring us to Him.

Is He really good? Good enough for us to give up fear? I think so.

Vote. Don't vote. I don't really care. I just want you to know Him. He has proven that He directs the hearts of kings like waterways. I don't need a good king or a good president. Not nearly as much as I need a good God. And I already have one of those.

If you do too, then what are you so afraid of? Losing your house? Your 401k? Having gays in your neighborhood (remember they need Jesus as much as I do whether or not they legally marry)? Think about it and take it back to Him. I am pretty sure that Paul said even death held no fear for him. So what keeps us gripped in terror? He promises that His plan for us is not to harm us, but to prosper us. To give us a hope and a future. And hopefully, like with Israel, to allure us back to Him with kind words and new vineyards.

Maybe our fear stems from the possibility that we don't really trust Him after all. Trying to resuscitate a government to a moral state is a perfect distraction from the reality that none of us are good--no, not one. He says that He will heal our land when WE turn to Him and pray. He doesn't mention voting and He doesn't reference consitutional purity. So are you praying? Are you trusting Him?

Lord, thank You for Your goodness. Thank You for Your Word that leads us to the Truth every time. I love You.