Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Farmer's Encouragement

One of my favorite people in the world turned me onto a new blog: A Holy Experience.

I am in love. First of all, it's a husband and wife team who up and moved to start a farm in Canada. Her insight into their daily life and incessant redirection to our Creator inspires me. Maybe today you're wondering if anything can grow in your life, in your day, in your family, in your heart. If so (or if you simply like to hear more about Him in our daily life), here's a post I have to share from her blog (if you visit her blog she has pictures of the crops of which she writes):

Monday, May 18, 2009

Time and Space


They said that's all we'll need.

Farmer Husband takes me to the field to see where they think the miracle will take place. With a little time and space.

When we laid those seeds into the ground, it was wet in the fall, and late, nearly October, winter wheat before the snow. Wheat sprouted in autumn dampness.

We saw green before the freezing, barely.

The snow came early.

I felt it in my bones before it came, chill snaking up the spine, and when it finally coiled around us in a hiss of white, I kept thinking of homeless Ken and his buddies huddled in their sleeping bags and how winter would slither up those stark Toronto streets, up a man's back turned.

For weeks, the snow lay over the fields, lay that wheat down to dormancy. I only imagined how it covered humps under blankets around Toronto's Nathan Philip Square.

Then, restless and wayfaring, snow moved on for a bit in February, stripping that wheat back bare. Leaving it naked to that wind howling and moaning over snow's going.

Subfreezing temperatures, standing water, ice encasement, bitter winds, all the elements corkscrewed around our wheat. When the land finally heaved high with frost in March, the wheat writhed a death heave of its own.

Farmers call it winterkill.

I have no idea how Ken and friends fared.

"Ann?" He calls from the back door, work-wizened hand still on the doorknob. I come find him there with wind-burnt face, his coat still on.

"The neighbors have got to be laughing at me out there fertilizing that wheat. There's whole acres out there where it's pretty scarce. Hardly anything. A sprout here and there... and a whole lot of empty space." He shakes his head.

"I'm wondering about just ripping it up."

"Tonight?" I don't want to ask how tearing up the wheat might tear up our pockets.

"I guess I should call Agricorp in the morning, and get someone out here just to make sure that's the right decision." He sighs deep and we're two weak smiles made stronger by the sharing.

"He's all good."

Come morning, after the crop inspector leaves, I'm running a stunted wheat leaf through my fingers, veined life reaching for sun, and Farmer Husband's bending over a worn patch of earth.

"He says all we really need is one wheat shoot for every square foot. That's it."

"Really?" I can't envision it. Patches of the field look rubbed raw.

"Yeah, I know. It's hard to believe when you look at it. But he said he's seen it before like this. Just be patient and give it time and each stalk will stool out."

I scuff the bald earth. "Each shoot will fill in with more stalks?"

"That's what he said. It sure doesn't look great right now." He's counting out how many shoots every few feet. He straightens up.

"Give it a few weeks and she'll fill in, and he thinks we should get 80 to 90% of the yield." Farmer Husband's smiling, chuckling, believing the unexpected.

And I'm thinking about Ken and me and those who are cast offs. Some rough days with some kids I know. A bad life-patch that looks like it should be ripped up. People and hopes and love rubbed raw.

Maybe nothing in life is ever a write off? People. Relationships. Dreams.

What seems hopeless today may be flourishing tomorrow.
What appears barren from here may be yielding heavily up there.
What's rubbed raw may surprisingly fill in.

Farmer Husband digs his hands deep into pockets and grins. He's digging in for the long haul. "Looks like we won't give up on this field just yet."

Maybe that's all we all need.

Just a little time and space... and faith.

To let the miracle unfold.

Lord God... this despairing stretch that doesn't look like it can bear much good? What if I just gave You the time and space ... and faith... to yield the impossible?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Ah, a Mother's Day Treat for a Mother-to-be

Agh! So much on my mind right now.

First of all, what a wonderful mother's day. I have always loved celebrating my mom and more recently getting to include Rory's mom, too. Both of our moms went in this weekend and got Rory and I our dream stroller for Dia. I cried! But we also spent a lot of time laughing. When you think about it, it's pretty crazy that two home-school families who didn't know much other than Jesus, got together 16 years ago and just this weekend bought a stroller for their mutual granddaughter.

We've been sharing memories all weekend. I still remember the first time I met Rory. We were ten years old and his mom was hosting/teaching a home-school public speaking class. By God's clear direction, he brought my family to their house and the rest is history--literally. After the speech class, our families created a history co-op. They instilled so much Jesus in us so early on that not one project went by or one story read that they did not direct back to Him.

At 21, their two eldest children married. It was the single-most greatest day of my life. We recently watched the wedding video and laughed and cried.

And now, this Friday, we are celebrating 5 years of marriage with a little girl on the way. It brings such tears to my eyes! I know these past 5 years, not to mention the past 16, have been quite the ride for all of us. I know that a lot of the time, they thought we were crazy. And sometimes, we felt the same way about them! If the emotions of these past 5 years were to form a quilt, it would be more rich in color than anything our human eyes could fully appreciate.

As any of our friends know too well, we have not pretended even for a minute to have a perfect marriage. Just writing that makes me laugh! But it is so real and so genuine. It is so deep and so passionate. It so evidently our testimony and that is exactly what I want Dia to see in us--in her creation, is our testimony of the power of Jesus. There aren't words or time enough to fully explain all that has taken place over these past 5--and 16--years. But we think on it often. I think it's a big part of why we don't want to sell our home. It has been the setting for this powerful testimony.

There's the wall where I threw my Starbucks coffee at Rory (ah, yes, one of my finer moments). There's the floor where I sat and single-handedly cut up every single one of our wedding photos. There's the door that Rory punched a whole through. Oh yeah. It's been a rough ride.

There's the floor where we camped out our first night here--newlyweds with no possible way to undestand what we had just entered into.

There's the table where I bought Rory his favorite cereal and set up a mini-celebration for his first day at ASU. There's the kitchen where we dance together--a lot more now than before!

There's the wall where I scrubbed the coffee clean and the door that we patched up. Our home is such a physical representation of what we have been brought through.

For the past 3 years it has also been the setting for our Mother's Day brunch. What a joy it brings to my heart to have all of our sisters (and some boyfriends!), both of our dads and our two amazing mothers all at the same table. It is a testimony to the power of friendship, the bond of home-schooling and the love of Jesus. And yesterday, Rory surprised me with a seat of honor with two moms I am hardly worthy to sit with. And he had a letter (that I couldn't read out loud due to tears streaming, streaming down) and a jewelry set: a necklace, matching earrings and a beautiful vintage style right-hand ring--all in Dia's soon-to-be birthstone, Sapphire.

I have never owned such beautiful jewelry. And I have never been more at peace as Rory planned and prepared and hosted all of yesterday's festivities. I sat perfectly calm and perfectly honored as Rory set up everything just perfectly--from the table settings to the food to the cleaning. In years past I would be super nervous that he wouldn't know how to do things "just so." But he's been studying me and learning me and made yesterday better than I could have ever dreamed.

Thank you, Rory!

Thank you, Jesus!!!

Friday, May 08, 2009

Things I am Learning to Love About Pregnancy

Ok, well I have a perfect precious tiny sweet girl growing inside me. That is L-O-V-E that I can't even explain. But I'm learning to have a sense of humor with some of the other aspects. For instance:

1. If it's chilly out, I can warm up a room simply by walking around as my thighs create enough friction just brushing against themselves--at a campsite, I would probably require a license...

2. My knees, biceps (or lack thereof), bottom and everything else however have retained all fat that used to be more evenly distributed. When I run into something (as I often do without any balance), there's plenty of cushioning all over my figure to prevent any bruising.

3. I have a permanent shelf bra: my belly.

4. If anyone knows of a cat they'd like to have "put away," I have enough stretch marks that look as though a cat had attacked me to have anything with claws legally "put away."

5. My husband has never been more impressed with me: I can eat a veggie burrito, a bowl of "protein" cereal (Ezekiel brand), salad, a side of rice and beans and more and then be ready for dessert in about 5-10 minutes. He just sits back and stares in astonishment.

So basically it's a pretty sweet deal all around.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear......

I'm turning it into a song (sung to the tune of a marching beat like The Ants Go Marching):

Fear, fear, fear, fear
Fear, fear, fear, fear

I am not proud, but it's become my mantra. I repeat it non-stop.

Fear, fear, fear, fear
Fear, fear, fear, fear

Ok, so I don't actually sing it. I have engaged more in living it. Yuck.

I write about all the things to fear and the reasons God calls us to be bold, and yet, last night I was terrified. I had a pain. It's in a very girly location so I won't offer TMI and describe it, but it scared me, so I googled it. I should know better by now, but I couldn't help it. The google results were anything less than comforting, so I cried myself to sleep and called the doctor in the morning.

She's a wonderful doctor/midwife. She asked me questions and took my concern seriously and then gave me very real reasons not to worry, but signs to watch for just in case.

I tell you this body is changing so much! When I first started to feel Dia move, I didn't know what it was! I immediately figured it was a ruptured placenta. See, the song had snuck in...

Fear, fear, fear, fear
Fear, fear, fear, fear

And to be honset, there ARE lots of things to be afraid of. I am watching my government change in scary ways. I got an email yesterday about parental rights and the threat the future may pose to home-schooling. Sometimes I figure that all Christians will be living more like the Jews in early Nazi Germany--marginalized into ghettos and slowly forced into concentration camps. I have had the actual thought that it doesn't matter how well Dia does in school because by the time she's old enough to go to college, we'll be wearing gold stars and on our way to the ghetto.

Fear, fear, fear, fear
Fear, fear, fear, fear

Last night, though, I was talking candidly to a wonderful woman whose miracle grandson was just born this last weekend. She said that when she was pregnant, she believed that the rapture would occur before her kids got old enough to go to college. But here we are, just fine.

She stopped me in my tracks. I've had that exact thought!

I think I found comfort in hearing her words. But then a few hours later, I googled. And the fear hit. My dear sweet kind loving best friend of the same name sent me texts of comfort and wisdom last night and I got a good night's sleep plus lots of reassuring belly kicks. Then this morning another dear sweet kind loving friend prayed words of power and faith over the phone. I wish I could live in the texts and that phone call. Actually, I think I am supposed to be living there--between the Word, the Holy Spirit and community.

I have learned a lot about the "tapes" that play in our head. From our nature and upbringing, our thoughts replay themselves over and over again in our head without any wisdom or discernment. They simply are. It's our job to learn to identify them and record over them. I am going to use my friends' words and the Holy Word to do just that.

Until "Fear, fear, fear, fear" becomes

Faith, faith, faith, faith.........

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Do you know where it comes from? They do.







Rory and I are a little hyped-up. We are so stinking mad at the big corporations who are playing around with the very food we eat.

Some of the intentions are good. Certain companies have begun pursuing genetic modification of food in an attempt to stop world hunger. But, and I quote, "Hunger is not a technological problem." There is plenty of food--there's just a roadblock when it comes to distribution. Too many 3rd World governments will receive the money and aid and simply NOT DISTRIBUTE IT. To quote Mahatma Ghandi, "There is enough in the world for everyone's need. Just not for everyone's greed."

Other intentions are evil. Monsanto, a humongo chemical company, is currently buying up seeds. That's right--the US Supreme Court overruled the US Constitution to make it legal to buy, own and patent seeds (aka life)--"Whoever controls the seed, controls life." Monsanto, The Dow Chemical Company and Dupont (all major chemical companies) own about 85% of our seed/food supply. Monsanto has genetically modified their seeds to be "Roundup Ready"--meaning that the seeds contain the herbicide Roundup. Guess who owns Roundup? Monsanto. This "Roundup Ready" method is not to ease the cost of food, but increase the sale of Roundup. Scientific studies have shown that Roundup causes the first cellular growth of cancer. Monsanto, however, advertises Roundup as biodegradable and safe. They have a scary history of falsifying scientific information--including early findings on the toxic chemicals dioxin and pcb.

We are a little fired-up just thinking about this gross injustice. Food is critical for life.

Not to mention terrified what these kinds of modifications mean for our future.

There is hope, however. The only answer is to either grow your own food, or know your grower. The best and most convenient way I know to do this: farmer's markets. Unfortunately, greed still exists in farmer's markets, though, so be wary. Ask questions and get to know your grower. If it looks store bought, it very well could be. And chemical companies, like Monsanto, are working very hard to ensure that we never find out which items are GMO and which are not.

This summer, a new documentary will be hitting the theatres: Food, Inc. This film (although somewhat politically-driven.....and leaning heavily towards the Left) exposes one of our greatest threats: the future of our food. We don't know where our food comes from (unless you grow your own or shop farmer's markets) and wealthy companies are working hard to keep it that way. If things continue the way they are headed, soon all of our food will be owned and modified by companies like Monsanto.

So, shop your local farmer's market. If you can't afford organic today, there's a good chance you won't have any options left tomorrow. As a consumer, your dollar speaks volumes. Let these companies know where your support lies--with honest and decent growers!! As they say in the film, each time you run an item across the checkout, you are voting. "People have got to start demanding good, wholesome food. And I promise, we'll deliver." -Farmer quoted in the Food Inc. preview.

And, go see the film this June!

Here's the trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf4ZmfjyEvI&feature=related

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A little more controversy

As you may have already guessed if you don't already know me too well, I like to dig deep. I like to question. I am motivated by discovering truth.

What really impresses me (and totally surprises me!) is that Jim Carrey and I seem to be alike in this manner. Below is a link to his article regarding vaccines. While I don't have a particular stance at this point (and certainly do not criticize anyone who does!), I endlessly appreciate his candor in his own research and feel that his search has a lot to offer us all. I find it extremely well-written and surprisingly neutral--that is, neither for or against vaccines directly, rather challenging our assumptions (which I think is almost always a very, very good thing!).

Here's a quote from his article that has me thinking:

"The truth is that no one without a vested interest in the profitability of vaccines has studied all 36 of them in depth. There are more than 100 vaccines in development, and no tests for cumulative effect or vaccine interaction of all 36 vaccines in the current schedule have ever been done. If I'm mistaken, I challenge those who are making such grand pronouncements about vaccine safety to produce those studies."

So, again, this is not to say that vaccines are/aren't safe. Rather, as parents, as adults, as educated humans, let's take responisbility for what we put into our kids' bodies and discover the BEST for them.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-carrey/the-judgment-on-vaccines_b_189777.html

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Weeping Prophet

Sometimes, deep in my soul, I feel akin to the weeping prophet (Jeremiah). He was weeping over the state of his city, his Jerusalem, his people, his God's chosen people.

I remember being very young (Jr. High?) and coming across my first images of famine in Africa. These black and white images blown to the size of a TIME magazine page of skeletal babies sitting in dust--actual age: ten years old. One image really made me mad (and I believe I still own it). This wealthy merchant walked up to a rice stand run by a starving family and stole a bag of rice. Tall and in white flowy gowns and a matching turban, the obviously wealthy and well-fed man didn't even look down at the skeletal frame of the little boy who reached his hand out to stop him but whose skeletal frame was too weak to get up to chase after the thief. Justice is so clear in that picture. So clearly not served.

I used to read The Economist and other foreign policy magazines to learn about national atrocities. I would take the most descriptive images and tear them from the magazine and tack it on my bedroom wall. This, I knew so deep in my heart, had to stop. Tack. Up on the wall they went until my room was nearly covered.

I look at marriages and families today with some of the same intense passion of justice not being served. Of women and men who lie about their marriages--first to themselves and then to the rest of the world. Of people afraid. Afraid to seek God's best? Of men who refuse to stand up, die to themselves and start leading the way by following in Christ's example.

I am now learning about childbirth in America. Suddenly, I feel like the rest of the world could be teaching us. "Even though the United States has the most intense and widespread medical management of birth--99% of women give birth in a hospital--we rank near the bottom among industrialized countries in maternal and infant mortality....According to the World Health Organization, we rank second to last among 33 industrialized countries in this regard and 30th for maternal mortality. Although we are superior in saving the lives of infants born severely premature, women are 70% more likely to die in childbirth in the United States than in Europe."

"In the countries with the best maternal and infant outcomes....the vast majority of laboring women get individual support from a midwife, are free to move about and birth in whatever position feels best, and are rarely induced, anesthetized, or cut" (Pushed, xv).

This is wrong. It's wrong that we have stigmatized birth and a woman's natural process of labor by declaring it a medical condition. It's wrong that we wreak our fear all over their bodies and force them to take great risks to protect the doctor's backs.

Don't even get me started on the food processes and toxic chemicals that NO OTHER country in Europe will even touch but that we hand out as safe because IT MAKES US MORE MONEY. Pesticides are poison!!!! I don't know how we can be so ignorant. If it kills the bugs, it CAN KILL US. And don't even get me started about the ridiculousness of fortified foods that MAJOR COMMERICAL CORPORATIONS pass off as "healthy."

"Selling salt is actually a side line for salt companies; they make most of their profits pulling out the minerals and selling them back to us through health food stores and to companies like Kellogg's that take a naturally healthy food, process the pee out of it (till it's worthless) and then add back some minerals and vitamins. The minerals come from the salt companies. This is called fortified food."

"For every gram of PTS (processed table salt) that your body cannot get rid of, your body uses twenty three times that amount of cell water to neutralize the salt. Eating PTS causes excess fluid in your tissues which can contribute to cellulite, arthiritis, and kidney stones."

Hey, but it comes in a nice, handy box! And the men who sell it say it's healthy--mmmmm, fortified! Must be good for us--the cartoon Tiger says so! These are the same type of men who we criticize for running companies like Enronr, AIG, etc. Come on, guys. THEY WIL SELL YOU ANYTHING!

We are poisoning our own people from the inside out.

It brings me to tears, to weeping. I want to scream. I used to want to move to the developing world to feed them myself. I used to want to get into politics. But slowly God started showing me that I am not the Holy Spirit. I can't make lasting change. Only He can change hearts and that's our real problem. I started to see that the greatest method to bring about change is genuine, transparent motherhood. Suddenly I want dozens and dozens of children.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Oh, the difference a year makes!

I sit here amazed at what a year can bring.

This last year brought unexpected blows to me personally. It all started five years ago--when I got married. Watching my wedding video last Valentine's Day, Rory and I both found ourselves emotionally impacted by how trusting, how joyful, how confident I was in Rory's hands. But as the next few years would show, Rory had no idea what to do with that. Little by little my confidence and joy and trust were thrashed. I found myself alone and hurting and crying--a lot. And he didn't know what was wrong with me. Even worse, I didn't know what was wrong with me.

I started to think and feel like I was going crazy.

Then we found the gospel of Jesus. Don't get me wrong--we were raised Christian and I knew Jesus intimately most of my life. But we hadn't heard much about how Jesus is supposed to behave at home. And by Jesus, I mean the husband, the spiritual leader, the stronger partner of a marriage who is called to love and walk in His likeness.

I remember a man asking me one day to name some emotions that Jesus caused me to feel. I hesitated and so he helped me. By the end I had a list that looked something like this:

safe
loved
important
accepted
cared for
heard
valued
respected
beautiful

And so on and so on. Just touching those wonderful emotions that Jesus causes me to feel brought me to tears. He then compared that list with how I was feeling at home: alone, hurt, neglected, unimportant, like a bother, etc. That list really hurt to talk about.

Then he looked at Rory and asked him if Jesus would make me feel the way he was making me feel. I was an emotional basket-case at this point.

This was the beginning of our realization that I wasn't crazy. I wasn't the problem at all. By getting married Rory took on a grave spiritual responsibility that few people in the world are truly aware of. He became the leader of my spirit. There was no way out of it. We were one (Ephesians 5:31). We were partners. I am the weaker, he is the stronger (1 Peter 3:7). He is the leader, I am the follower. He is the head, I am not (Ephesians 5:23). He is the Jesus, I am the church (Ephesians 5:25).

Suddenly, Scriptures I had read my entire life became alive. The living word of God spoke to us and applied to us. And began to change us.

These changes have literally taken years. We are having to re-learn our ways and our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). And it has been hard. It is often misunderstood by the world and even the church.

But it works. I didn't always believe it would, but literally about four years into it, I felt my heart open up to Rory in a way I had never imagined and could have never manufactured. I wasn't loving him just because I married him, I found myself deep in love and respect for him out of his selfless care and love for me. I began to feel, literally in my very core, the things that I had once ascribed only to Jesus. Safe, loved, very important, etc.

It's why I can say that I get to live with Jesus. Rory has literally spent the last four years of his life learning to lay it down. For me!!! ME! Little old, used to be crazy, me. This kind of love blows me away. I can't tell you what it has done for me to have my husband's undivided attention, complete heart and whole understanding. We are truly one, now, in heart, mind and spirit. Something I never knew to imagine!

And I did nothing. Just like the gospel of Christ. He did it all. It humbles me more than you can ever know.

Cue the big blow of my heart. Last fall, Rory made a horrible decision and let a relationship with a mutual friend go too far. Nothing technically happened but he lied about it. And I felt like dying. He had opened his heart to another woman. And just when I had finally found faith in him. But again, he was the leader. He has full control over my spirit and he had spent that last four years learning to understand it (1 Peter 3:7). He acknowledged the pain, his horrible decision and learned how vulnerable he is. And somewhere in the middle of all that, all his years of work and self-sacrifice, appeared to me and convinced me deep in my heart that he loved me.

We still talk about that situation and thank the Lord regularly for what it taught us. And we are learning that there are lots of people who can relate to it.

A year or so ago, we had a miscarriage. But while I was still pregnant, I shared with Rory my heart in having a midwife help me give birth. Boy oh boy did he let me know how ridiculous that idea was! He shut me down so quickly that I knew not to bring it up again. His fear had crushed my spirit.

Here I sit, a year later and several major blows under my belt, and laugh. In sincere joy.

Now, as he has learned to value me and truly seek the Lord as he seeks to understand me, things are so different. Just last Sunday at Easter, Rory sat at his family's dinner table and explained in long detail about the birth process and the benefits of having a home-birth. Can you believe it?! I sat there, eating the delicious bar-be-que, listening to my husband share with his family how blessed he feels to be able to learn all about birth and to be able to have our baby at home. He talked about how talented and educated our midwife is and how important the birth environment is and so on. He has become my biggest champion. And I find myself becoming very quiet and humbled and beaming with respect in the process.

I am literally laughing out loud as I type. Oh boy. A year ago it was such a different story. And there are so many other stories we have as our testimony to the value of a husband truly taking up the call to love and live as Jesus--even in his very home.

It makes my heart shout, "The gospel of Jesus lives!" It's in my very home. I invite the whole world in to come, see, taste and feel the goodness of the Lord.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Sunday is coming...

This week feels like death week.

On Monday I got news that one of the spunkiest, most intelligent and confident women I have ever met, passed away just shy of her 94th birthday. My Great Aunt Edna lived in New York so I never got too close, but just hearing about the way everyone spoke of her and chatting with her a few years back when my grandpa died, kind of bonded me to her in a unique way that I don't even think she was aware of. I was sad on Monday but proud of her long life and strong legacy.

Yesterday was Rory's birthday (which is like a mini-holiday for me, too, because he's so much fun to play with on his birthday!) and in the middle of the movie we went out to see, he passed his phone over so that I could read an email from our Children's Pastor. One of the smartest and wildest little boys that I had known through Sunday school was killed in a car accident. Marco was in 2nd grade but we would always let him hang out with the 3rd-6th grade boys because I think it made him feel good about himself. I remember praying strong prayers for that boy. And I remember the strong prayers he would pray during class.

Today I found out that some dear family friends lost their father/grandfather in the wee hours of the morning. I didn't know him too well, but his passing is a definite loss in our family.

And all week long, being as it is Passion Week, I've been gearing up for the horrible Good Friday. I know, I know. Sunday is good news!! But I can't read His last words and last steps and not grieve.

I felt very sad on Monday (not directly because of my aunt's passing) and called Rory to ask him to come home early if he could just to be with me. For some reason he had already felt the need to go home early so he was on his way. When he got home I just cried and sat with him. I couldn't explain the melancholy.

Now I feel surrounded by it. It's not a depression, it's not even grief. Just sadness.

I remember being a young girl and hearing for the first time of someone I knew who had died. She was my grandma's roommate of sorts (she rented a room in my grandma's duplex). She had lived long and her death was not a shock--at least not to anyone else. But I remember hearing the news and telling my mom. Tears came without notice.

Death has always hit me hard.

So today I am mourning and honoring the lives of three amazing people and preparing my heart for the most powerful death of all time: Jesus'.

Rory and I are reading through Jesus' words and actions during Passion Week (we are using an amazing book I used in Bible school that blends all four of the Gospels to give a chronological telling of Jesus' life) and I am struck by his repetition of love, love, love, obey, obey, obey. It was on the night of the final Passover meal (Thursday) that He implored them to lose their lives for His sake. He talked of how the world cannot receive them (the apostles) because it could not receive Him. How the world hates them and Him because they are not of the world.

He also talks a lot about the coming kingdom--the end of this world and Satan's rule as we know it. This helps me a lot. This confirms that this world is home to no one who is His.

It's not that I grieve for their loss or even for ours. Death has clearly lost its sting and the grave its power. I don't believe for a second that death is not appointed or fitting.

But it is just so sad. I think of the Jews and the wailing wall and how openly and publicly and loudly they grieve (almost all of the Middle East grieves death very openly). And I feel akin to them. There is something healthy in acknowledging pain and grief--not living there, but being very present in it while it lasts.

So here I am, the day before Good Friday, feeling very, very present in death.

Sunday, come quickly!!

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Oh hope, where doth thou lie?








Are you afraid yet?

Random shootings.
Legal threats to homes-schooling.
Legal threats to Christianity.
Obama's pledge to dis-arm us nuclearly (is that a word?).
Obama's health care Plan B.

I have lots of reasons to be afraid. I think of India (our soon-to-be daughter) and wonder at the world she will grow up in. I imagine the worst a lot of the time. Sometimes I get quite afraid.

Then I heard David (Stockton) talk about the book of Esther. He focused on chapter 4 last night. He explained how Mordecai, the Jew who had been exiled from his homeland and isolated when his cousin moved into the palace, received notice that his days to life were numbered--literally.

"Dispatches were sent by couriers to all the king's provinces with the order to destroy, kill and annihilate all the Jews—young and old, women and little children—on a single day, the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, the month of Adar, and to plunder their goods. "

Hmm....I sit around and ponder the worst while Mordecai literally faced the worst. The end. Death. By legislation, royal edict.

First he responded with despair--as I would. Then, he takes it a step further and turns to prayer and fasting. As David said, when you encounter the kind of knot that just cannot be undone, prayer and fasting often undo it. After praying and fasting, he not only realizes God's plan, but speaks hope boldly.

In encouraging Esther to risk her life for her people, he boldly adds, "For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place."

WHAT?! Another place?! Man, if I were him, Esther would be my only hope.

Ah, but Mordecai find hope outside of man. He found it in the Lord.

Here is what the Lord promises (and He wrote them down for us in case we forget):

  1. He has promised to supply every need we have. The Bible says: "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:19.
  2. God has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. (II Corinthians 12:9).
  3. God has promised that His children will not be overtaken with temptation. Instead, He assures us that a way of escape will be provided. This promise is recorded in I Corinthians 10:13. Jude wrote: "Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present your faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy" (Jude v 24). Darius, King of the Medes, said to Daniel, "Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee" (Daniel 6:16).
  4. God has promised us victory over death. He first resurrected Jesus by way of assuring our resurrection. Peter said: "This Jesus hath God raised up, whereof we are all witnesses" (Acts 2:32). Paul wrote to the Corinthians: "For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures, and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures" (I Corinthians 15:3,4). Later on he adds: "but thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (I Corinthians 15:57).
  5. God has promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him faithfully (Romans 8:28).
  6. God has promised that those who believe in Jesus and are baptized for the forgiveness of sins will be saved. (Read Mark 16:16 and Acts 2:38).
  7. God has promised His people eternal life (John 10:27,28).
And my personal favorite, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Could I face a literal death threat with hope? Not if I counted in man. But I am very encouraged by Mordecai's submission to God's plan.

And how did Mordecai's story end?

"King Xerxes imposed tribute throughout the empire, to its distant shores. And all his acts of power and might, together with a full account of the greatness of Mordecai to which the king had raised him, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Media and Persia? Mordecai the Jew was second in rank to King Xerxes, preeminent among the Jews, and held in high esteem by his many fellow Jews, because he worked for the good of his people and spoke up for the welfare of all the Jews."

David was quick to point out that the name Mordecai means literally, "little man." He was a nobody. A nothing. Until he was faced with despair.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Environmental Toxins--Copied from Gwyneth Paltrow's E-newsletter GOOP

A couple of years ago I was asked to give a quote for a book concerning environmental toxins and their effects on our children. While I was reading up on the subject, I was seized with fear about what the research said. Fetuses, infants and toddlers are basically unable to metabolize toxins the way that adults are and we are constantly filling our environments with chemicals that may or may not be safe. The research is troubling; the incidence of diseases in children such as asthma, cancer and autism have shot up exponentially and many children we all know and love have been diagnosed with developmental issues like ADHD. Perhaps it is a coincidence, but perhaps we can do things to reduce illness in our children and ourselves. Below you will find some of the most prevalent facts and also easy, affordable ways to reduce exposure to substances which may be harming us.

Peace out,

--- Gwyneth Paltrow

Chemicals in Everyday Products and Children’s Health:
A Small Dose of the Facts
By Philip J. Landrigan, MD

Our children are our future. Our sacred responsibility as parents, grandparents and elders in society is to do all that we can to protect our children’s health, to ensure they reach their full potential and to empower them to be happy, productive and caring individuals.

But the reality is that patterns of illness in children have changed dramatically in the past century. Ancient infectious diseases such as polio, cholera, measles and malaria, have largely been controlled in the United States. The major diseases now confronting our children are chronic and disabling conditions:

  • Asthma incidence has nearly tripled in the past three decades. It is the leading reason children are admitted to hospitals and the leading cause of school absenteeism.
  • Cancer, after injuries, is the leading killer of children in the United States.
  • Leukemia and Primary Brain Cancer have increased in incidence – brain cancer by nearly 40 percent in the past three decades.
  • Developmental Disabilities are now commonplace, with ADHD, dyslexia, other learning disabilities and mental retardation affecting one of every six American children.
  • Birth Defects such as hypospadias, a birth defect of the reproductive organs in baby boys, have doubled.
  • Autism is now diagnosed in one in every 150 American children.
  • Childhood Obesity has quadrupled in the past ten years.
  • Type 2 Diabetes, previously unknown among children, is becoming epidemic.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. To me, as a pediatrician and epidemiologist, these increases in the rates of chronic disease in our children are a stark warning that something is going very wrong. Many toxic chemicals are known to contribute to these diseases. They deserve special attention because most are preventable sources of harm. Children are at risk of exposure to 80,000 chemicals, 3,000 of which are high-production-volume synthetic chemicals produced in excess of one million pounds per year. Nearly all of these are new chemicals developed in the past 50 years and never before seen on the face of planet earth. These chemicals are used widely in consumer and household goods like personal care products, cleaning supplies, pesticides, paints, toys, home furnishings, carpeting and electronics. Most disturbing to me as a doctor is that nearly 80 percent of these chemicals have never been tested for toxicity or examined for their potential to damage children’s health.

    We must understand an important fact: Children are especially sensitive to environmental toxins. They are much more vulnerable to toxic chemicals than adults.
  • Pound for pound of body weight, children have greater exposure to chemicals because they drink more water, eat more food and breathe more air than adults.
  • Children’s unique behaviors put them at higher risk. They live and play close to the floor; and they constantly put their fingers into their mouths.
  • Children’s metabolic pathways, especially in the first months after birth are immature. Generally they are less able to metabolize, detoxify and excrete toxicants than adults and thus are more vulnerable to them.
  • Children are undergoing rapid growth and development, and their developmental processes are easily disrupted. From conception and throughout fetal development, toxic exposures can cause permanent impacts.
  • Since children have more years ahead of them than most adults, they have more time to develop chronic diseases that may be triggered by early and repeated exposures.

In addition, we’ve learned that if a young child who is still developing (unlike an older child or an adult) is exposed to toxins like lead or pesticides during a critical early window of development, this exposure can affect their health for years to come. In fact, many prenatal exposures have a larger impact on the health of a fetus than on the health of the mother.

mom_kissThe growing brain is an organ that is especially sensitive to toxins. Scientists are also extremely concerned about the newest animal research which suggests that chemicals can alter gene expression in cells throughout the body. In essence, repeated chemical exposures during early development can change how genes function and subsequently increase the likelihood of disease. Suspicion is rising that toxic exposures during moments of heightened susceptibility in early life can cause disease and disability in childhood and possibly contribute to diseases such as Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease later in life. Tests for developmental effects are not routinely required before a chemical is used in everyday products.

What can you do to protect yourself and your children? My advice is that you take simple steps to reduce your exposures to toxins and chemicals in the environment, and that you work together with other parents in your communities to push for safer alternatives where your children live, eat and play!

Dr. Philip J. Landrigan is a pediatrician and the Ethel Wise Professor, Chair of the Department of Community and Preventive Medicine; Director of the Children’s Environmental Health Center at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. He is a Founding Board Member of Healthy Child Healthy World.


Top 10 Easy and Affordable Steps to Creating a Healthier and Nontoxic Life
By Christopher Gavigan

It’s hard to get those recommended seven to eight hours of sleep a night. Five days of exercise would be the greatest luxury. Your leisure reading pile consists of books like Goodnight Moon and Pat the Bunny. But your sacrifice is for the best smile and hug in the world – from your child. Welcome to parenthood.

Yet, we are a new generation of parents. We strap helmets on our kids as they skateboard and bike, we strain our necks putting on outlet covers, but there are new realities when it comes to keeping your children safe and healthy. Parents are beginning to understand that protection from harmful chemicals in everyday products is equally important. For example: hormone disruptors in baby bottles, toxins in cleaning products and pesticides on strawberries. The good news is that you can do something today about these chemical hazards in your homes, and be, as my grandmother often said, “better safe than sorry.” There are many easy nontoxic solutions and precautionary measures (like that bike helmet) to prevent harm and ensure a safer, cleaner and healthier future for your children.

And remember, no one can do everything but you can do something. Your children, your family and your planet will all thank you.

1. Eat intelligently. Organic foods are the best investment you can make for your child’s health. They can be more nutritious, sourced closer to home and are typically in season, but can cost a bit more. Prioritize wisely. Pediatrician Dr. Alan Greene recommends purchasing varieties of these organic foods in order to most effectively reduce chemical exposures: milk, potatoes, peanut butter, baby foods, ketchup, apples, beef, soy and corn.

2. Drink plenty of pure water. Bottled water is completely passé. It’s overpriced, unsustainably overpackaged, and not necessarily cleaner than regular tap water. Invest in a water filter (a simple pitcher option is fine) and a reusable stainless steel water bottle. Over time you’ll really see a big savings, plus you’ll be keeping countless plastic bottles out of landfills and oceans.

3. Embrace natural beauty. Ever read the chemical ingredients list on your shampoo or lotion? Not an easy task. Sixty percent of what goes on the skin is absorb into the body – so avoiding chemicals here is super important, especially for pregnant moms. You will reduce your family’s chemical exposure by opting for products made with natural and organic ingredients, like those from Care (Stella McCartney), California Baby, Perfect Organics, Aveda or Dr. Hauschka. Or you can even make your own! For a rich body moisturizer, combine ½ cup coconut oil with a ¼ cup cocoa butter and a few drops of your favorite essential oil. Protect your baby’s skin with a little olive oil, which also prevents rashes on his bum. At the first signs of redness, bathe your baby in warm water with a little baking soda or apply a small amount of aloe vera gel.

4. Detox your nest. Home cleaning products often have harsh chemical ingredients that require words like “warning” or “danger” on the label - totally at odds with maintaining a healthy home. Safely opt for effective, nontoxic cleaning products for laundry, surface, dish and bath – many are no more expensive than their conventional counterparts. I’m a fan of 7th Generation. Or go old school and clean the way our grandparents did with common kitchen ingredients. Baking soda is great for scouring. White vinegar diluted with water magically cleans windows and countertops (killing bacteria and odors, as well). The acid in lemon juice fights grease and mineral scum.

5. Breathe clean air. Many people associate the smell of bleach or synthetic air fresheners with cleanliness. But, the smell of clean is actually scent-free. According to the U.S. EPA, indoor air is typically two to five times more polluted than outdoor air, and most people spend 90 percent of their time indoors. In addition to using nontoxic cleaning products, just opening your windows for a few minutes every day to let in some fresh air will do wonders. Vacuum regularly with a HEPA filtered vacuum. Growing houseplants also helps filter and detoxify your air while bringing a bit of the outdoors in. Turn on the exhaust fan or open the window when showering and cooking at the stovetop with gas. Remember to clean and replace your heating and AC filters regularly – these trap the germs and chemicals you don’t want recirculated in your home.

6. Take playtime back to the basics. Having a child shouldn’t mean turning your whole house into a toy box. Kids are better off without piles of plastic play things, battery powered gizmos and all sorts of complicated gadgets that profess to make them smarter. Simplicity is better for your child’s imagination, intellect and health – and, yes, much better for the planet. Stick to toys made from natural materials like solid wood and organic textiles, and opt for nontoxic art supplies and recycled paper. Use items you already own as playthings, like cookware drums or sock puppets, and visit our website (www.healthychild.org) for a quick video on how to make homemade play dough.

7. Ban bugs and whack weeds using common sense instead of chemicals. Pesticides are harsh poisons designed to kill rodents, bugs and weeds. Pesticide residues can end up on your grass, in your home and eventually on your child’s hands (which every parent knows will end up in his or her mouth). Prevent pests by keeping your home clean and removing their source of food. Distilled white vinegar will eliminate any weed. Be sure to wipe your feet on a doormat, or better yet, remove your shoes at the door to prevent tracking in dirt, dust, grime and other contaminants like lead or pesticides (and clean less!).

8. Go on a diet. I don’t mean cutting calories, but rather a diet from stuff. Reduce consumption. In the US, 90 percent of purchases end up in the trash within six months. We’re all familiar with the mantra “reduce, reuse, recycle” and while most people have embraced recycling, reducing is the first and best step. And it means saving money. You will also reduce your children’s exposure to unnecessary chemicals, consume less of the earth’s resources, and decrease the amount of pollution generated by manufacturing and disposing of all the stuff your family uses. Convert the money you save from scaling back on the purchases toward investments in the higher ticket green items like organic food, sustainable clothing and healthy furnishings.

9. Reuse, reclaim, repurpose, recreate, rethink. In the same vein as above, consider buying the things you need from secondhand stores, designer consignment shops, Craigslist, Etsy and eBay. You can host your own “swap your swag” night with your friends, or look for items on FreeCycle or similar swapping services. One person’s trash is another’s treasure, right? Give something old a new look with organic textiles or no-VOC paints and stains. For older children’s items, look into the latest safety standards and recalls at CPSC.gov.

10. Spread the word. Now that you have some information, inspire and empower others in your tribe. They will appreciate the information if you offer it as a good friend and parental ally. And if you are like me – unrelentingly self-critical – give yourself a break and know that each small step will help your family.

For a complete parenting and lifestyle guide, get the new paperback on Amazon today: Healthy Child Healthy World: Creating a Cleaner, Greener, Safer Home

Christopher Gavigan is the author of Healthy Child Healthy World and CEO / Executive Director of the nonprofit of the same name: www.healthychild.org.

Q and A with Jesse Johnson

Jesse Johnson is the co-founder and CEO of Q Collection Junior, an eco-friendly and nontoxic line of baby bedding and furniture.

GP: What is the ethos of Q collection Junior?

JJ: The ethos of Q Collection Junior is simple – in every thing we do and make, we are focused on three things:

  • Our children: Most baby furniture and bedding are made with paint, glues, wood and cotton that give off toxic fumes and contain harmful chemicals. Our materials don’t do either and are the only ones certified to ensure that your baby’s room will be free of indoor air pollution.
  • Our communities: Our furniture is handmade in the USA. That means we’re creating jobs for people right here at home.
  • Our planet: Just because your baby will be done with the crib one day doesn’t mean our planet will be. That’s why we use only biodegradable materials and packaging. And all of the wood for our furniture comes from within 150 miles of our factories. Using local wood helps protect our forests and climate by reducing our carbon footprint.

GP: How did you come up with the idea?

JJ: We started Q Collection in 2002 as a collection of adult furniture and textiles. It didn’t take long before parents started calling us asking if we also made children’s furniture and bedding.

At the same time, my wife was pregnant and we were looking around for nursery furniture. I was incredibly surprised to see what a striking lack of choice existed. If you were looking for great design, USA-made quality and ALSO nontoxic, healthy options you were out of luck.

GP: How important is it to have toxin free furniture and organic bedding?

JJ: Infants and small children spend the majority of their hours sleeping in a crib or bed.

Indoor air pollution is a growing concern for infants. The EPA names it as a top five area of concern and states that indoor air quality is three times worse than outdoor air quality. Home furnishings are always near the top of the list items of contributing to indoor air pollution, along with paints, cleaning materials, carpeting, etc.

There are also material toxicity concerns surrounding children chewing on crib rails and sleeping on certain types of bedding. In everything we design and sell, we have completely eliminated problematic materials that are commonly found in furniture and bedding including formaldehyde, brominated flame retardants, polyurethane, etc.

For more information visit www.qcollectionjunior.com.

Truth and Prophecy

I seriously need to eat breakfast but can't stop thinking about what I heard on the radio yesterday. 90.3 is my favorite radio station because they play Christ-centered music during the morning and afternoon but have sermons during lunch (David Zacarias, Charles Swindoll, etc.) and then Adventures in Odyssey at night.

During David Zacarias yesterday he was finishing up some thoughts on Daniel, the OT prophet. He read the verse that says Daniel was beloved of God. He then discussed prophecy in the OT and NT and asked us to think about who the greatest prophets of the OT and NT were. He said that Daniel is the single greatest source of prophecy in the OT and the disciple John is in the NT.

What do they have in common, he asked? LOVE. Daniel, the beloved of God and John, who is known as none other than the disciple Jesus loved.

How is this love so evident in their lives, he again posed to the audience. Scripture, again, is pretty clear: he that loves God obeys His commands.

Daniel is one of the few if not only people in the Bible of whom no sin is recorded. This is not to say that Daniel never sinned, but it is greatly worth noting that no sin of his is recorded. I forget what he said about John and obeying His commands, but even right here I was blown away!

He then went on to conclude that because of Daniel and John's unique love relationship with the Lord, He revealed special prophecy just to them.

As a believer with the gift of Prophecy (not future-telling, but a black and white, truth-motivated personality), what is my greatest struggle? What does Scripture pointedly demand about truth?

Speak it in love.

What would a life of truth and love look like? Like Daniel and John? Maybe--just maybe. I am certainly inspired for righteousness, truth and above all, LOVE.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

New Favorite Flicks

Hands down my favorite dvd of all time is our babe's ultra-sound dvd. She is famous in our house! And too many aunties and tantes have already seen it twice! Rory likes to just put it in and have it playing it in the background. We just can't get enough of her!! I have started journaling to her just because I have so much I want to say/teach/express. It has made me realize why the Bible is so big.

Tonight we watched "Gentle Birth Choices." It was filmed in the '90's (as every outfit and hair-do will attest!) but it has evoked quite an emotional response from me and Rory. Well, to be honest, I cry now every time I see a birth. (Which by the way, you can watch at www.babycenter.com. I am semi-addicted!)

Part of my emotional response is in realizing that I will actually birth this baby. With the miscarriage before and all that can go "wrong," it is easy to live in fear. I think a lot of birthing choices are made in fear (which the film only somewhat alludes to). But the Lord is so clear that He isn't present in fear.

I was reading through Matthew and something interesting caught my eye. It was the part about a hand or eye causing you to sin. We all know the symbolism (or literalness depending on viewpoint...) of removing sin-causing body parts. But this is what caught my eye:

"If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire."

It's the phrase "enter life" that I can't get out of my head. I wish I knew more about the Greek words used in this verse, but taking it at face value, time on earth doesn't equal life.

What equates life, medically speaking? Breath. If you stop breathing, you are no longer alive. The Greek words for breath and spirit just happen to be the same word. But our spirit doesn't stop! I am convinced that the moment of conception is a spiritual matter. Life = spirit.

So this "life" spoken of in Matthew is a spiritual thing, it's heaven. It's a spiritual world. Once the Holy Spirit enters us this life begins. So whether my baby enters the earth or not, she is alive. Her spirit has been conceived and that is why she breathes.

So what is there to fear? First of all, she is not mine. He is her Great Shepherd and Father. Secondly, I can not impart the spirit. While I might give birth, I do not make life. Basically, I am processing out my faith. My faith that this is God's plan, God's day and God's daughter.

My only prayer is to grow closer to Him and glorify Him alone through it all.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sleepless in the Starks Home

Today was our ultra-sound. Dun dun dun!!

For days we've been on pins and needles anticipating all the news that would come with the first image of our baby. As we're doing this naturally and with a midwife, we've planned on only doing one ultra-sound. So this was a big day!

So big that I found myself completely wired at 2am this morning....totally unable to fall into any semblance of sleep. I eventually lay in bed where I tossed and turned and barely got an hour of rest. I got up on adrenaline and have been running on it ever since.

Of course the ultra-sound tech was late. Our midwife referred us to Sound Wave, a local ultra-sound tech company that comes to your home. We had to borrow a TV set from Rory's parents--since we still don't own one of our own--so that we could watch our little life wiggle around in my tummy in the comfort of our living room. (By the way, I was shocked at how repulsed I was at a TV set sitting in my living room. I couldn't bring myself to leave our bedroom until Rory covered it with a sheet! It was of course worth every second of its existence just for the moments we had with our baby bouncing around on screen. Suddenly the repulsive black box transformed into the golden carriage of our baby's image. I wouldn't have done it any other way.)

I felt like a 4-year-old waiting for Santa Clause! I practically paced around the house until he showed up around 2:30. He was a wonderfully amiable guy who Rory got quite a kick out of. He was very calm and reassuring and made lots of funny jokes that we have recorded on the ultra-sound dvd.

Every time he measured a part of this wonder body inside me, he would pause and say, "Which means...." and I would finish, "It's perfect!" Perfect skull, perfect heart, perfect arms, long skinny legs, a perfect spine and big ears! Lol.

And then he announced, "You're the proud new owners of a brand new 2009 baby girl!"

At the first sight of her with all of her limbs and spine and organs, I cried. She was healthy! As he continued to measure and pronounce her perfect, every anxiety within melted. When he told us she was a she, I broke down, surprising myself at how much I wanted a little girl.

I was certain from the start that we were having a boy. I loved him and already knew he was handsome. But when I saw her and knew her to be her, everything changed. My heart melted and I felt like I was meeting my best friend for the first time.

We're having a girl. And she's perfect!

Thank you, Jesus, for You heard the cry of this mother's heart. You recieved my fears and held me still, strong. Thank you for our sweet, sweet gorgeous baby. She is yours from the beginning. Lead us in our every move of raising her on earth, closer and nearer to You every minute, every day. Hold her as she grows inside. Strengthen her for the world You have prepared for her. May Love fill her inside out. And give me wisdom beyond all understanding and knowledge as I nurture her within me and bring her into the world, Your world. Prepare her father in ways he can't understand as he takes on the responsibility of her heart and her spirit in the light of Your work in his life. Only by the power of Your Spirit and Your Name, according to Your Will. Amen.

Monday, March 23, 2009

This is a tough one to write

Marriage blows me away.

I was raised by one of the wisest women of all time. Looking back, I am amazed at how well she prepared my sisters and I for life. And so much of that was done through her dire honesty. We were not allowed to be afraid and we were not allowed to be fooled--not fooled by the world, not fooled by our flesh and not fooled by our own ignorance.

I remember her very honestly telling us all we could ever want (or not want) to know about drugs, sex and marriage. She told us how great drugs made you feel--at first. But she also told us how it was impossible to just play around with drugs. How if you just wanted to try it, it would rope you in until like her high school friend, you would find yourself selling your daughter for another high. (Turns out this story was a lie, btw. Her friend never did this. But she was honest in everything else we had not reason to question this!) I know personally that I was never even tempted to get high growing up. I didn't feel like it had anything to offer. My mom told us all about it and the end didn't sound too good.

In a similar way, she told us about marriage. Not one of us girls ever grew up waiting for a Prince Charming. There was no sense that a man would complete us. And as college graduates and well-rounded world travelers, there was nothing a man could offer us that we couldn't provide ourselves. This mentality freed me up tremendously. I can honestly say that I got married because of love and out of obedience to the Lord.

Interestingly, this did not make for a perfect marriage. But it did make for a free marriage. By this I mean that I was free to express myself and my heart. And this caused many, many "problems."

Anyone who says that marriage is "wonderful," "a dream come true," "everything I wanted," is either lying or delusional.

That sounds pretty harsh, doesn't it?

But not if you're going by the Bible. What about our relationship with Jesus is a fairytale? Ok, sure the premise is romantic enough. But I am talking about the day to day dying to self.

Killing the flesh is not wonderful, people! Conforming to His Will is not a dream come true! Now, the results? They are everything I could ever want. But marriage needs to be a picture of the struggle of killing self.

And like the Bible demonstrates, it can only happen when the husband lays down his life for his wife. It can't happen by the wife "submitting" and it doesn't materialize through a wife's "respect." It is born out of His (the husband's) love of for us. He (the husband) must love us (the wife) first!

Any other use of marriage is a mis-use of Scripture and a mockery of the gospel of Christ.

Who loved us first? Who died for us first? Who offers understanding and rest for the weary?

Jesus, Jesus and Jesus. He is the only one. And that is the standard to which a husband is called. By the Bible's very own admonition.

My freedom in our marriage forced Rory to reckon with this early on. It brought about a whole lot of junk and I truly doubted that we would "make it." But through his honest and very real struggle, he has begun in small ways, and some grand ways, to make me feel like I live with Jesus--like I am loved in a very real way everyday by Jesus Christ Himself. Sometimes I feel like shouting, "I get to live with Jesus!!"

This love is so deep and so penetrating, so life-changing and humbling, that I do not merely respect him. I adore him. My love for him verges on worship.

This, this very scenario, is the acting out of Ephesians' call to love and respect. This call is not a 50/50 if this, then that. It is not about if she will respect then he will love and vice versa. How could I possibly ever respect Jesus enough to make Him love me? The Bible is clear that His love has nothing to do with my deeds--in fact, His love is in spite of them. And what does nearly all of the last half of Ephesians 5 deal with? The husband's holy requirement to love like Jesus. This means it is not dependant on the wife at all! If it is, then the gospel is not what He says it is. If it is, then we have been fooling ourselves and the way to heaven can be earned. If it is, then the Bible has little to offer because if we merely respect enough then He will love. If this is the case, then who holds the real power and the true key to our salvation? We do.

This is a very scary logic of thinking that has taken the church captive and slowly edged Jesus out of our marriages and out of our homes.

Even worse is our poor translation of Ephesians 5:33--the entire basis of this love and respect connundrum. Looking at a Bible (the online ones often don't use italics so they aren't reliable for this kind of study), you'll see a few words in italics. These italics mean that those words are not in the original language--they are words the translators added so that the English would make more sense.

Here's how the NASB looks:

Ephesians 5:33

"Nevertheless, each individual among you is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband."

Look how weird it would sound if the added words (the words in italics) were removed:

"Nevertheless, each individual among you is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must that she respects her husband."

Interestingly, "that" can also be translated as "therefore" or "as a result." That would make Ephesians 5:33 read like,

"Nevertheless, each individual among you is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must as a result respect her husband."

Which translation is correct? The one we've always had because it sounds right or the one that is most closer to the original because it falls in line with every other Scripture about Christ's love?

I say the latter. There is much Greek language study that can prove the latter is true. I know there is something in Greek called the "Hena" (not sure on spelling?) clause that forces the latter to be the most accurate translation. But I am no Greek scholar.

I do know, however, that after Jesus talked to the disciples about marriage in Matthew 19 it says, "The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

Now if Jesus were describing complete submission and undying respect for every husband from every wife regardless of his behavior do you think that the disciples would have replied that way? I doubt it. I doubt that any man would think it better to be single and celibate the rest of his life than to hold to such favorable tenets.

At any rate, marriage blows me away. I am in awe of it and mostly because of the way I see my husband live it out. And to be honest, I don't know that I would have stayed in this marriage if he didn't live it out as he does. But because of the way he holds himself accountable and dies to his own desires and picks up his cross daily, I don't know that I could ever leave! He has become completely and honestly irresistable!

Monday, March 16, 2009

While pregnant, I can still talk in idealisms :)

Rory and I were reminiscing yesterday. We were semi-laughing at our first years being married. (I can say years now because this May marks our 5th anniversary. WOW.)

Both working full-time and both in school full-time, we were b-u-s-y. And although it felt like we were hardly ever home, our house still needed maintaining. I remember my frustration at his attitude of "helping out" around the house. I could not for the life of me understand how the role of house-keeper had been delegated to me but his efforts to help me out should earn him a medal. It wasn't an issue of feminism or self-righteousness, but as a human equally as busy as he, I didn't understand how OUR house had become MY responsibility.

After much talking (read "screaming") and LifePartners group sessions (I will always love Ken's explanation that the woman was NOT created to maintain the house. When Eve was purposely and uniquely formed, remember, there were no children, there was no home, and food and laundry were nowhere to be found. Alas, our role/purpose as women has nothing to do with the house and/or children.), we came to both understand that the home belonged to us and as such we both needed to maintain it.

Now, had I or he been a stay-at-home parent, things may have been different. I completely understand how scheduling and lifestyle can play a role in household duties.

However, now that it comes to endless parenting conversations, we're beginning to see a theme. While I may be at home with the baby, this baby is no more mine than his. In fact, I tend to see his role as bearing greater responsibility (biblically speaking that is). We were talking on the way home from the grocery store last night about how bizarre and yet perfectly wordly the concept of dad "helping mom out" really is. In fact, in today's world it is honorable for a father to step forward to "help out" with the baby.

But what a short-sell of the gospel of Christ that is. Is that why Jesus came?! To help out with us sinners? I am pretty confident (and blown away daily by the fact) that Jesus rendered heaven to come down to us. He left it all for US. This is His same desire for fathers.

What a different world it would be if in fact each of our fathers had considered work, golf, sports, etc. nothing in comparison to their children.

My desire is for this child to know that nothing comes before him in his daddy's eyes. Jesus has worked so patiently proving this fact to us, and I am thrilled to watch Him teach us how to show the same to our little "peanut."

Friday, February 27, 2009

love

It's hard to express how much Rory and I already completely and wholly love the little baby growing in my womb. We have never seen him (not even on an ultrasound). He doesn't even have a name. We aren't even sure it's a boy.

But we love him so much that sometimes we cry just thinking about him.

Is this how Jesus felt about me on the cross?

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Never/Sometimes/Often/Always

How do you know that God is good?

I think for a sad number of us, we know that God is good because He answers our prayers. I have noticed a trend (and not necessarily just a current trend) to our use of the phrase, "God is good!" Aside from worship songs and scriptural quotes, it tends to follow phrases like:

My sister bought a new house!
I got the job promotion!
We got a great deal on a wedding cake!
My favorite movie was available for rent!

soooo.....

God must be good!

When times trouble us, though, we begin searching for God.

My aunt past away unexpectedly--she was only 43.
We lost our house to foreclosure.
My identity was stolen.
We had a miscarriage.
My spouse cheated on me.
I lost my job.

During these times, our rallying cry of a good God is replaced with questions. I am no masochist and wouldn't expect anyone to necessarily celebrate the latter situations. But I do wonder how we each individually (and collectively as a body) define God's goodness. I am scared that it might be based on our earthly sense of security. If our world is shaken, then we must begin to find God. If things go our way, then God must be in control.

I am sure most of us realize what kind of logical mishap we enter into the moment we begin to depend on our own understanding to define anything about God much less God's goodness. If we (or better yet our circumstances) can define it, then we haven't got a God at all. Then we've only got a god. And all religions have gods--even atheists.

I have had to come to terms with this a lot. My earthly sense of security gets shaken up more often than most people. Or at least, that's how it feels to me sometimes! But I had to come terms with God's identity most notably when we had a miscarriage about a year and a half ago. I refrained from even using the term "miscarriage" for a long time. A miscarriage seemed so technical--we really felt that we lost our baby.

We watched as other people carried their little ones to term and delivered healthy, happy newborns. We watched unmarried women, emotionally divorced couples, financially bankrupt couples, nearly divorced couples and others and began to wonder why. Why them? Why not us? When we found out we were pregnant, we cried (and welcomed from others),

God is good!

When we lost our baby, people were deafeningly silent.

Was God no longer good? How could we be so fickle? God did not change! Only my circumstances. And as we sought Him out (and even more so as we look back), we realize that His timing was perfect. That situation was perfect! Gut-wrenchingly painful, yes. But still good!! God is/was/will always be good!

I smile now when people ask if we have children and openly talk about the wonders that took place when we had our miscarriage. It was a beautiful time! It sounds strange to write that, but when you know the God I know, what could He bring to me that would not be good?!

I am so touched by the sensitive hearts that cry "God is good!" when their kids win the softball tournament and they get the close parking spot. That's beautiful! But how many of us can look at the disappointments, the confusion, the "bad" things and say the same?

I remember reading about Aslan in C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Aslan is the Christ figure in the story and one of the girls, curious about this powerful creature, asks if he is safe.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

That's the kind of God I serve. He isn't a safe God, He isn't a pretty God. He is all-powerful and He loves me. And He is very, very good.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A big change

I am getting a bit worried. I see so many signs leading to a future that frightens me.

For the last several years the world has worked hard to show us that there is more to the show. To reveal the man behind the curtain, if you will. Take the kids' movie Monsters, Inc., for instance (and this is the least of the countless more obvious examples). The monsters live and die by a fear of children. But at the end, it is revealed that children and monsters are not incompatible.

It was all a...lie?

This paradigm shift is crucial to our country's demise. One by one (and it's happening so much quicker than would seem possible) we must abandon trust, fidelity, faith and our inner compass. We must be willing to think "outside of the box." And inevitably, we will begin to truly switch from a Christ-focus to full propaganda. We will embrace Bollywood, move to Dubai and slowly but surely leave behind everything a generation before us knew. And "knew" as in "were convicted by" because of the greater truth that existed.

It's not the Middle East that frightens me. And thinking inside the box and burying our head in the sand will not save. It's not any part of the globe per se that frighten me. It's more the prince of this world. The conflict will arise and it will appear that we have lost. But we will not. We must be so careful to exchange our thoughts for His so that we are not mislead. There are no words, no books, no speakers and certainly no formulas to save. Only Him and Him alone. Do you know Him?

Something is coming. There is a future we have never imagined right behind the corner. We have been warned for a very, very long time. But who is ever truly prepared for a thief in the night?

Friday, January 09, 2009

I didn't want to do it....

I have that old love tune stuck in my head, "You made me love you...I didn't want to do it...."

I came home this morning and ready to veg out. But I felt a tug to pick up the Bible instead.

"Oh, I already did my reading today," was my self-congratulatory weasel of a reply. But I couldn't NOT do it. It wasn't an act of will or conscience. I could not refuse it.

So I picked it up and let it fall open. It fell to the last page of 2 Samuel--it only took up half a page in the Bible.

"Ok, quick reading," I conferred, doubting any strong role it could hold for my life.

This guy whose name is only letter from Glad (Gad, King David's seer) tells David to build an altar, so the obedient king follows the command to a tee.

"Ah, yes. So holy, good King David. Altar. Good. Nice."

The nice man offers the land King David wants to him for free.

"Oh so sweet. David was such a good king--everyone loved him."

Then I read the following:

"No, but I will surely buy it (the land David wanted to build his altar on) from you for a price, for I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God which cost me nothing."

"Which cost me nothing...." It rung in my head over and over. David wasn't being a good obedient king. He was being a man after God's own heart. The sacrifice had nothing to do with the sacrifice--it was for his own heart to be affected. For his own sin to COST HIM. He wouldn't take the gift because he wants this sacrifice to mean something--to cost him. For David, this altar is not just an act. It's a movement from his heart. He's aware that the altar has nothing to do with the land itself, but the condition of his heart. And for this wealthy king, he made sure that this sacrifice cost him.

"Ah...I think there may be something here for me...."

Curious, I flipped to the previous page and started reading the beginning of the last chapter of 2 Samuel. It is titled, "The Census and Plague." Clearly, this sacrifice had an interesting origin.

Here's how the chapter begins, "Now again the anger of the Lord burned against Israel and it incited David against them to say, "Go number Israel and Judah."

He he he. I love it--the word AGAIN. God was mad yet again at His chosen people. Again, the fury of our God rose against the people.

I recently learned from a doctor of Hebrew that Godly anger, loves the person and hates the sin. Sinful anger hates the person and embraces the sin.

So I can read it not that God turned His back on the people (clearly or else the Bible would have ended there) or decided that He hated them. No. He loved them, hated their sin. And David knew that this sin would have to cost him in order to learn from it--all the while never doubting God's love for him.

Oh to be like David!

But what this besetting sin that brought about the anger? It doesn't say. It does say, though, that David was incited (the commentary says by Satan--I am in such good company!!) to number his warriors. David wanted to keep tabs on his people. He wanted to count his men so he could ensure his safety and success. Ah, confidence in the logistics, not the Lord.

Turns out I am more like David than I'd like.

Even David's commander questions this census. It doesn't make much sense. But David is determined and makes them work for the next 9 months counting everyone. When he is given the final tally, he is broken, realizing that he has been wrong.

This is so me. Rory and I own our own business. Too often we have counted our list, done the math. It's not wrong. But then we let it rule us. It becomes all about the numbers. And if they vary or shift, well, then we panic. A lot like David.

The rest of the chapter is rife with real-life lessons. The biggest one is to read the Bible whenever I am prompted. Trust that small, still voice....

Sunday, January 04, 2009

So quick too quick

So happy.

So happy for

spring
giving without buying
creativity
language--so many so different all the same
music
beats we feel in our hearts
community
words. words. words. endless. never enough
moving to Scripture
truth
images. all pieces of an eternal kingdom
giving giving giving unsurpassable by taking
figures none on their own all adding to the beauty that is finality eternally
nothing alone all working together
one common good only one God
tangible pieces of a perfect eternity
winter
the end
too much
too past
rest breathe wait endure
all just seasons all just ways to measure the time
the time the time the time
so quick so quick gone.

Married Asian

Please don't let me sound racist, but I married Asian. My husband's mother is Indonesian (immigrated to the states at 13) and so family functions on their side are wonderful. Tons of food, amazing laughs, great stories (Opa tells of killing an anaconda (barefoot, mind you) that was threatening his village) and endless, unconditional love. I love it and very affectionately and proudly refer to myself now as Asian by marriage.

The other night it was confirmed that Asia is in my blood. (My husband's aunt is quick to clarify that I am not Asian, but Pacific Islander. The need for clarification only solidifies the Asian in my mind.) At the local art museum my husband and I were awed by the Asian art exhibit on display. It was centuries of warrior costumes, pottery, idol statues and the most exquisite calligraphy and sketching. One such collections of sketches took our breath away.

(Google did not have the image. I have lost much respect for that dotcom now. As a result, you will have to close your eyes and just imagine. Here's what to let your mind conjure up:

One of the tiniest little black sketchbooks that you see at bookstores for ungodly amounts of money that they market to ascribe to the likes of Hemingway and I think even Da Vinci. At any rate, they are adorable and I own several. ANYWAY, picture one of those little leather bound black sketchbooks. Turn to any page and see beautiful Chinese characters on one page and breathtaking Chinese landscapes on another--all in ink and light colors in varying hues of gray and red. Hills, flowers, rivers. Beauty.)

Isn't that a nice picture? But what took our breath away was the caption. Here's what it read:

"A husband and wife, who shared interests in poetry and painting, made this small album in commemoration of a trip they took. Its miniature size suggests the intimacy between them."

The existence of such a book confirms my Asian destiny: Rory and I inscribed a sketchbook that we shared years ago (before the married days even I think) dedicating it to the writer (me) and the painter (him) who together would compose our story (the names Rory and Stephanie put together).

Is this more than a tie to a culture? Clearly. It's a tie to a romance that was destined. And to see a couple sharing the same thing centuries ago took our breath away. I married Asian, but I am following a long legacy of love. It's a story too beautiful to happen more than once and yet it's all around us.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

It's a holy day

I love Christmas time. Of all of our household decorations, the Christmas ones take up almost half of our garage. We love family time, giving presents and wearing scarfs. But this year, we have celebrated the holy day in another way.

We bought zero presents. We hung zero lights. We went to the mall, um, maybe once. Christmas this year has been for us like it might have been before World War II. You know, before consumerism became spirituality.

To be honest, deep down inside, I had hoped that the government would not bail out the banks. Secretly, I hoped that the economy would fail. Visions of bartering and hard work far from credit and mass-marketing schemes had begun to dance in my head. Alas, my dream did not come true. For everyone else, at least.

A few months back (when smart planners start to forecast Christmas presents), a new video entered my life.

Click here to watch it yourself. (It's about 20 mins in length.)

It is one of those videos that I inadvertently alluded to in my previous post. It's about something that I always knew was inherently evil but could never explain why. It was just a feeling that I think a lot of people have (kind of like how a lot of moms hate tv). I didn't know exactly why, but I knew something was wrong. This video succinctly put into words, with documented research to back up every claim, something that had always made me feel uneasy.

Before the video had even finished, my dearest friends and I had decided to make our own presents this year. But making our presents did more than just keep us out of malls. It gave us time to use our hands, engage our creativity and spend a day together. After showing it to my mom, she too agreed that this year we would not exchange presents.

And we didn't. And it's been wonderful!

I can't tell you how much money we have saved, how much stress I have avoided and how much enjoyment I have received.

I have spent so much time with the people in my life this season. I have had days on end when I babysat for a friend, organized my home office and went out to a late breakfast with my family. I can't explain it, but it really feels like there is something holy about this holiday this year. My husband and I have slept in, cleaned out the garage and watched lots of movies.

I can't escape the imagery I came across in a book I have been trying to get through recently. It's a gorilla (I didn't write this stuff--I just read it!) explaining captivity to a human. A formerly wild primate, this gorilla, known as Ishmael, was captured and displayed in a zoo. And then later rescued and kept in a man's home. He said while he was in the zoo, he didn't know he was in captivity. He couldn't tell much difference between the zoo and the jungle. He didn't even know captivity was a word--so how could he have possibly recognized it? He had seen the bars between him and the lines of people that would come point at him. But he didn't know the bars were to hold him in. This sage gorilla then asks the human what bars hold him in that he might not know about.

I do have visions of a nation where the economy is not controlled by interest rates. Where corporations do not have more rights than the individual. But governments and economies are not the true captors. No, there is no economic plan or government constitution that can truly impact our freedom. Ask the families of martyrs in China who still praise Jesus in silence with huge smiles on their faces. Ask Jesus. He stays surprisingly quiet on government policies and voting. Because He knows that externalities do not take captives. If they did, He would have come down and destroyed them. Instead, He came down and destroyed sin's power over us.

Sin has lost its power! Death its sting! But do we know that? Poor Ishmael is still looking for the bars of captivity. But the only bars are the ones we put up around ourselves!

God sees the captivity and He sent Himself here to us in human form, so we could watch Him live in freedom. So we could watch and study and observe and learn and now we can ask and pray about how to be truly free. That's what makes Christmas day so holy. A little baby, just like us, entered our world to show us freedom. Well, to show us love. And that love is the only love that does truly set us free.

For my husband and I, spending Christmas free from presents and giftwrap has been freeing--in some ways. But it is not freedom in itself. Freedom begins in our minds, in our thoughts. As a man thinks, so he is. So for us, we have experienced some freedom from consumerism. But this freedom will not save. Only He saves. I pray that Ishmael, like the rest of us, learns this sooner than later. May our eyes be fully fixed on Him today and everyday.